I Didn't Write a New Years Post.

This year I had a big post planned out for the first of January: it was about the new year, new beginnings, letting go of the old and looking to the future for the new. Here we are in the second month of 2015 and there is no such post. I wrote this post. I looked at it. I edited and rewrote it and added pictures and changed my tone, deleted the pictures and changed my title- and then I eventually deleted it.

Why?

If I am absolutely honest with myself I deleted it because I was terrified this year would be terrible. I was scared that I was setting up my expectations too high and that I'd just look back on that post at the end of 2015 and I would be disappointed.

Over the last couple years I got into this very very surreal and weird head space. Failure at anything was the end of the world, change terrified me, people's opinions because everything and even when I was happy I was stressed about something else.

This school year I set myself up with the mindset that I wasn't going to do that ever again, that I was going to enjoy this year no matter what- that I was actually going to live my life a little rather than thinking in the past and future, agonising over everything but the present. I am so much happier.

Yesterday evening was probably the highest point of my happiness in a long while and my head is still reeling from that feeling in the best possible way. However you feel about valentines day, whether you love it or hate it I am about to spill a little about mine so if you hate it skim this part, and if you don't then keep reading... It was warm and quiet and so lovely, I had a perfect afternoon in with my boyfriend- food, dumb videos, great company and the most beautiful flowers. I felt unbelievably spoilt and lucky. I got home to my family and we had dinner and laughed and talked about random stuff, we watched the office back to back and I talked to my best friend to discuss the worlds latest gossip. I was awake about 2am still thinking about how funny it is how life turns out and thinking that coincidence cannot possible exist because there's no way you could love people this much by chance. It's very cheesy and cliché but it's days like this when I am at my very happiest and it's because of the people around me and my choice to switch off and enjoy it.

It was actually my perfect day- I didn't worry or stress about anything, I was just enjoying the moments in my life. It's really easy to forget to do that in this day and age where everything is instant, every stage in your life is just preparation for the next one and things all move in fast forward. I like to take one whole day off worrying at least once a month to keep my head in order and let my body have time to recuperate from this crazy western lifestyle we all embrace as normality.

It's little things. I realised last year that there were a few things that held my attention in the moment and kept me grounded when my head was spinning from the 101 things I had to do. One was when I let people in, let them be affectionate and was affectionate back- this is so so important if you want to move yourself out of a weird head space. It's your choice whether you push people away or let them in- letting people in is so freeing and just makes everything else seem lighter on your shoulders. Things like coffee with my best ones and really cuddly dates, my beautiful little cousins keeping me occupied with their funny little sayings and make believe games- these are all moments that held my full attention and where I started feeling like myself again. Cultivating that feeling and holding onto it, trying to find it in other things will make you feel 100% better.

I know that life is never ever going to be perfect, but last night it felt pretty damn close. You are never going to have everything, you are never going to be able to be happy forever and ever-it's just not how life works, But life is a series of moments, some are better than others, but if you ignore the beautiful moments and how they make you feel, and just focus on the bad ones- then are you really learning anything? Are you really living? Or are you just trying to move through life to get to the next moment and the next?

I didn't write a new years post because I was terrified of letting myself be set up to enjoy my life. I didn't write one because I thought my hopes and expectations were too high- that was stupid because my expectations of this year have been exceeded several times already and it's only February. You attract what you put out into the world, if you put out bad energy it's going to come back to you and if you put out good energy then that's what you are going to get. Wonderful people are drawn to other wonderful people, entrepreneurs are drawn to the innovative and focussed people in this world. We are always putting something back into the world around us, effecting the people around us and it's so important to put something good back.

I think I grew up more in the last year than in the last 5 years put together and a lot of that was overwhelming and scary- I failed a lot and let myself lay down and let it make me feel worse. I am not going to do that any more and I am going to have high expectations of life because I know the way that things are going now, that I won' be disappointed by 2015, because it's already made me feel amazing.

A List of Things I'm Thankful For.

1. My family- who though crazy keep me weirdly sane.
2. My amazing friends- for being rocks.
3. My wonderful boyfriend- a pretty awesome human being all round.
4. My crazy cousins- because they put things into perspective.
5. My house- it's very very very cold out.
6. Princess Diaries- one and two.
7. People who smile and nod encouragingly at you when no one else is listening to your story- saving my self esteem since '97.
8. My iPod- for the memories and the company on public transport.
9. Old pop music- because we all need a little nostalgia from time to time.
10. Videos from when I was little- because the shaky camcorder vibes make me see how far we've come.
11. The Ellen show- standard.
12. People who leave messages in the glass on public transport- you brighten up a day,
13. People who give randomers compliments- you brightened a strangers whole day, good job.
14. People who tell me no matter how much of a lie that I have lost weight- thank you.
15. Warm fresh towels- there are few things better.
16. New sheets feeling- there are SO few things better than this feeling.
17. Hot showers- for life decisions and incredible live performances from my upcoming albums.
18. Really warm socks- Marks and Spencers men's socks, I owe you big.
19. Baby cuddles- if you need to fill up your heart with a little more love than you had before.
20. Cafe Nero- for hosting all of my deeply needed coffee's with my best ones.
21. Notebooks with blank pages- for the post break ups, the pasted in polaroids, the secrets, the crushes and the confessions of 2014.
22. Good sound quality- I do not invest in you enough, and in 2015 I am going to make a point of buying some beautiful headphones.
23. Sunshine- even if you are too weak to warm me up on these insanely cold mornings you put everything in this gorgeous golden light.
24. French toast- because I know you will always be there and you will also be glorious.
25. People who hold on to hugs for ages and make you feel like you are loved- you have saved me from falling apart more times than I will care to admit.
26. People who lend pens, hairbands, rulers, homework, textbooks etc etc etc- you are truly giving human beings.
27. Ed Sheerans EP albums- I will always feel carefree and teenage when I hear you pop up on my playlist.
28. Green Tea- for making me feel like a goddess of health when I have eaten 32 Jaffa Cakes the day before.
29. Lip balm- you take the edge off the cold and keep me looking like I have it relatively together.