Trust the Timing of Your Life.

Sometimes you just have to trust the timing in your life.

The timing of your success and the timing of your failure.
Failure is a lesson, success is a reward.

You have to trust that when you need someone to be there for you, they will be there for you. And if they aren't you have to trust that there's a reason for that. People are temporary, life is fast.

Trust the timing of good grades, trust the timing of bad grades.
Accept them both, do not be complacent.

Trust the timing of that song playing, that sunshine, that dress ripping and you having to get a new one. Trust that late bus leaving you to get talking to that cute boy. Being caught in the rain with someone who might end up being your best friend.

Trust that the people who come into your life are there for a reason, that they will teach you something, but that they may very well not stay.
The truth is you may very well not want them to.
The people who are good for you will find a place in your life, you will find a place in theirs, and they will stay. They are the ones who are worth it.

Trust in yourself, be confident, be sensible and trust the process.
Trust that happiness passes but so does anger and sadness- everything will change eventually.

The temporary nature of our existence is something we tend to ignore, we push and rebel and try to force things to move faster and do better all at once. Ambition and drive is an amazing and wonderful thing for taking charge of your direction and of course you need that in your life to have any kind of stability and purpose. But sometimes instead of pushing against the hard times and the bad times and desperately trying to escape the inevitability of change, trust that it will pass and that things happen for a reason.

Opinions.

Definition: In general, an opinion is a judgement, viewpoint, or statement about matters commonly considered to be subjective.

Your parents have opinions about those insanely comfy jeans that make you look a little like a hobo, how many piercings you have in your ears, what kind of grades you should be getting. Your grandmother has opinions about Apple products, and good food, perfume, girls skirts and risqué TV shows. Giuliana Rancic has opinions about hair styles and 18 year old girls embracing their cultural backgrounds- but we wont get into that debate now. Mean girls at school have opinions about your laugh or your hair, the shoes you wore last week, the way you talk in front of a class. They will sit and chat and gossip and watch- making comments about you and the way you live your life. They have their opinions.

But so do you. Regardless of how much of your opinions you vocalise, you always have them. Whether or not you tell that mean girl at school she's being mean, you have an opinion on her behaviour. Whether or not you say to your best friend that her outfit is terrible (which you, as their best friend, are entirely obligated to do) you will have an opinion. About the new person your sibling is dating, a new teacher, a cultural issue, politics, shoes, people, places, food- you have an opinion on everything too.

It came to my attention a while ago that people talk about me more than I realised, and also in a negative way- they have a certain opinion of me. Not silly bitchy school girl comments about my outfit or my laugh or my hair, but about my personality.

I like to flatter myself into thinking I am a relatively good person. I try to be good to the people around me and minimise any negative impact I have, In essence I try to be nice a lot of the time. That was an attitude I have at times in my life taken to the extreme, and that has backed-fired on me on more than one occasion. Being "too nice" is something my mother warned me about when I was younger, because people take advantage of kindness if their standards are not the same as yours. That's true of any relationship: friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, colleagues etc. Being "too nice" can result in you becoming totally exhausted, lost to the idea of jumping from one thing to the next to the next and not enjoying life because your're not living it for yourself.

Over the years I have lost that essence of being "too nice". I think that after a long time I realised that trying to please everyone was never going to work. I was tired out trying to juggle and keep everyone happy, I didn't think about the consequences it would have for me: being so exhausted and not myself, distracted and distant from the people I love because I worrying so much. It was a weird time and I was in a head space that I really did not want to be in.

The thing that a lot of people struggle to realise is: thinking of yourself is not always a selfish and negative action. It takes a while for this mentality to set in and that some people struggle with this concept more than others- if you care a lot about what people think and say about you, it has a much greater effect.

I am not by any means a selfless person, I can be selfish, worrying about myself alone and getting cooped up in my own head and my own problems and not sparing a thought to the people around me. Sometimes people get mad at me, or hurt or irritated and they have to snap me out of it and I feel guilty- I am no saying that I was or am now in any way a saint.

A lot more people would say I am selfish now than would have done last year.

At first, this played on my mind every spare second of the day, I felt this overwhelming pressure that people were looking at me differently and judging me, talking about me behind my back- which is something I have never ever been able to handle. But after a while I realised that constant state of guilt and worry about what people though of me was actually just bloody stupid? 

I realised this: everyone has an opinion about you, but not everyone's opinion matters. For so long I got caught up with the opinions of people who didn't like me, people who don't know me- cute boys I never talked too, popular girls who never smile. I took for granted the opinions of the people who cared about me- my mother, my brother, my friends. Because they were so close to me I almost blocked out what they had to say about me and my actions and my attitude. I'd get frustrated and mad if my mum called me out on a behaviour that was out of line- all the time caught up in guilt and anxiety about what little people thought of me.

I only realised after a couple of very awkward and destructive social situations over the last 2 years that actually- I don't care what little people think of me.

Why?

Go and read the definition again- opinions? They're SUBJECTIVE! People are absolutely allowed to have a bad opinion of me, because I realise that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have a small circle of close friends (a conversation topic for those little people, who like to talk about the "clique" of annoying people I surround myself with) but, in my opinion, that circle of friends is one of the best I've ever had. My circle is small but consists of the best people I know, people who I love and who love me. People who make me feel better when I'm sad and buy me junk food when I'm sick- people who lend me their jackets and hug me even if they hate hugs.

I keep my circle small because you should only give all of yourself to people you trust- and actually, these little people are not people I trust. Why give yourself up to someone when you are fully aware you will simply be met with more criticism and talking behind your back?
This is something everyone needs to address in themselves, none of us a exempt from it. All of us at one time or another have expressed a mean opinion, talked behind someone's back, remarking on their actions or their character or something about them. As much as every person is entitled to their opinion and we all have freedom of speech, sometimes it's best, especially when you are emotional,a or uninformed to say nothing. Formulate your opinions based on fact as well as your gut reaction, or your opinions will be emotional and often misdirected and judgemental- it can just be destructive. If destructive energy is the only kind of energy your'e putting out, then surely you can see that destructive energy is going to be the only energy coming back to you too.

With how I live myself now I understand and appreciate that people find it harder to like me than before, when I really did try to make everyone have a good opinion of me. But the truth is, I think I am content with allowing people to earn my trust before letting them become an intrinsic part of my world. I keep good people close after a lot of trial and error, because I have opinions about who I keep close, and that's my personal choice.

I have learnt that the opinions that really matter in my life are the ones of people who came through for me. My mum, my brother, my best friends- people who are in my opinion, wonderful good people who understand and know me. They are how I gauge by actions and attitude, if I am out of line in their eyes I reassess. The people I hold close share a lot of my opinions, morals and principles and their understanding of right and wrong is one that I can get on board with and accept- so I do.

It's necessary to realise that every single person around you will have an opinion of you- but that not everyone's matters. The same way it is important to accept constructive criticism you also have to gauge when that criticism becomes destructive and unnecessary. People are going to judge and watch and talk no matter what you do, so just focus on you and the people who are meant to be in your life and just muddle through the best you can.

I Didn't Write a New Years Post.

This year I had a big post planned out for the first of January: it was about the new year, new beginnings, letting go of the old and looking to the future for the new. Here we are in the second month of 2015 and there is no such post. I wrote this post. I looked at it. I edited and rewrote it and added pictures and changed my tone, deleted the pictures and changed my title- and then I eventually deleted it.

Why?

If I am absolutely honest with myself I deleted it because I was terrified this year would be terrible. I was scared that I was setting up my expectations too high and that I'd just look back on that post at the end of 2015 and I would be disappointed.

Over the last couple years I got into this very very surreal and weird head space. Failure at anything was the end of the world, change terrified me, people's opinions because everything and even when I was happy I was stressed about something else.

This school year I set myself up with the mindset that I wasn't going to do that ever again, that I was going to enjoy this year no matter what- that I was actually going to live my life a little rather than thinking in the past and future, agonising over everything but the present. I am so much happier.

Yesterday evening was probably the highest point of my happiness in a long while and my head is still reeling from that feeling in the best possible way. However you feel about valentines day, whether you love it or hate it I am about to spill a little about mine so if you hate it skim this part, and if you don't then keep reading... It was warm and quiet and so lovely, I had a perfect afternoon in with my boyfriend- food, dumb videos, great company and the most beautiful flowers. I felt unbelievably spoilt and lucky. I got home to my family and we had dinner and laughed and talked about random stuff, we watched the office back to back and I talked to my best friend to discuss the worlds latest gossip. I was awake about 2am still thinking about how funny it is how life turns out and thinking that coincidence cannot possible exist because there's no way you could love people this much by chance. It's very cheesy and cliché but it's days like this when I am at my very happiest and it's because of the people around me and my choice to switch off and enjoy it.

It was actually my perfect day- I didn't worry or stress about anything, I was just enjoying the moments in my life. It's really easy to forget to do that in this day and age where everything is instant, every stage in your life is just preparation for the next one and things all move in fast forward. I like to take one whole day off worrying at least once a month to keep my head in order and let my body have time to recuperate from this crazy western lifestyle we all embrace as normality.

It's little things. I realised last year that there were a few things that held my attention in the moment and kept me grounded when my head was spinning from the 101 things I had to do. One was when I let people in, let them be affectionate and was affectionate back- this is so so important if you want to move yourself out of a weird head space. It's your choice whether you push people away or let them in- letting people in is so freeing and just makes everything else seem lighter on your shoulders. Things like coffee with my best ones and really cuddly dates, my beautiful little cousins keeping me occupied with their funny little sayings and make believe games- these are all moments that held my full attention and where I started feeling like myself again. Cultivating that feeling and holding onto it, trying to find it in other things will make you feel 100% better.

I know that life is never ever going to be perfect, but last night it felt pretty damn close. You are never going to have everything, you are never going to be able to be happy forever and ever-it's just not how life works, But life is a series of moments, some are better than others, but if you ignore the beautiful moments and how they make you feel, and just focus on the bad ones- then are you really learning anything? Are you really living? Or are you just trying to move through life to get to the next moment and the next?

I didn't write a new years post because I was terrified of letting myself be set up to enjoy my life. I didn't write one because I thought my hopes and expectations were too high- that was stupid because my expectations of this year have been exceeded several times already and it's only February. You attract what you put out into the world, if you put out bad energy it's going to come back to you and if you put out good energy then that's what you are going to get. Wonderful people are drawn to other wonderful people, entrepreneurs are drawn to the innovative and focussed people in this world. We are always putting something back into the world around us, effecting the people around us and it's so important to put something good back.

I think I grew up more in the last year than in the last 5 years put together and a lot of that was overwhelming and scary- I failed a lot and let myself lay down and let it make me feel worse. I am not going to do that any more and I am going to have high expectations of life because I know the way that things are going now, that I won' be disappointed by 2015, because it's already made me feel amazing.

A List of Things I'm Thankful For.

1. My family- who though crazy keep me weirdly sane.
2. My amazing friends- for being rocks.
3. My wonderful boyfriend- a pretty awesome human being all round.
4. My crazy cousins- because they put things into perspective.
5. My house- it's very very very cold out.
6. Princess Diaries- one and two.
7. People who smile and nod encouragingly at you when no one else is listening to your story- saving my self esteem since '97.
8. My iPod- for the memories and the company on public transport.
9. Old pop music- because we all need a little nostalgia from time to time.
10. Videos from when I was little- because the shaky camcorder vibes make me see how far we've come.
11. The Ellen show- standard.
12. People who leave messages in the glass on public transport- you brighten up a day,
13. People who give randomers compliments- you brightened a strangers whole day, good job.
14. People who tell me no matter how much of a lie that I have lost weight- thank you.
15. Warm fresh towels- there are few things better.
16. New sheets feeling- there are SO few things better than this feeling.
17. Hot showers- for life decisions and incredible live performances from my upcoming albums.
18. Really warm socks- Marks and Spencers men's socks, I owe you big.
19. Baby cuddles- if you need to fill up your heart with a little more love than you had before.
20. Cafe Nero- for hosting all of my deeply needed coffee's with my best ones.
21. Notebooks with blank pages- for the post break ups, the pasted in polaroids, the secrets, the crushes and the confessions of 2014.
22. Good sound quality- I do not invest in you enough, and in 2015 I am going to make a point of buying some beautiful headphones.
23. Sunshine- even if you are too weak to warm me up on these insanely cold mornings you put everything in this gorgeous golden light.
24. French toast- because I know you will always be there and you will also be glorious.
25. People who hold on to hugs for ages and make you feel like you are loved- you have saved me from falling apart more times than I will care to admit.
26. People who lend pens, hairbands, rulers, homework, textbooks etc etc etc- you are truly giving human beings.
27. Ed Sheerans EP albums- I will always feel carefree and teenage when I hear you pop up on my playlist.
28. Green Tea- for making me feel like a goddess of health when I have eaten 32 Jaffa Cakes the day before.
29. Lip balm- you take the edge off the cold and keep me looking like I have it relatively together.

This Big Journey- ie: The Pursuit of Happiness.

Everyone is a part of this big journey, this big pursuit of happiness that we call life.

The truth is, everyone wants something. Everyone wants to achieve some sense of fulfilment, purpose- happiness. People are looking for it in the travelling the world, reality TV, in expensive bags and dusty brown paperbacks. They look for it in dates, in women, their kids, their music, their bong, their friends, their boyfriends, girlfriends, homes, beds, jobs- everyone is looking somewhere for this ideal life, this fulfilment, and they're pursuing this happiness. We are all on a noble pursuit to find what makes us happy in order to make it through hard times- no one knows where to look, or how to achieve it, all we know is we want it.

The pitfalls of this pursuit?
If everyone is on the same journey there's this big contest. Darwin's whole idea about the 'survival of the fittest' applies so greatly it scares me sometimes. In life the people who aren't strong enough tend to fall down and get left behind by a world that refuses completely to stop turning. The strong survive and go on and continue to try and make sense of it. Harsh isn't it? There's competition and fighting and in a modern age the fights are different, they're emotional, psychological and tend to be a lot more about messing with people's heads than a primal instinct to repel other individuals. The "weak" and the "strong" have moved away from being defined as the individuals at peak physical fitness and those with the worst, but over to what seems to me like a battle of wills.

Here's where I think this idea of social Darwinism- in relation to a world where I see us as theoretically living to find happiness, this battle of the "strong" and the weak" is will related right? So even if you see yourself as weak, or you know you're weak, there's a certain element of species development. Human's adapt right? So what's to say someone of "weak" will has fallen down for the 99th time out of 100? Life is hard and people are mean and it all looks very bleak, and this "weak"person is laying face down somewhere (probably the floor of their room, maybe the school library) and they are thinking about giving up. They are thinking of removing themselves from this big race, this big pursuit of happiness. They're thinking it's too hard, it's too rough and I give up.

Maybe they lay there in acceptance of their fate, and cry or just lay silently. But maybe they only do that for 5 minutes, maybe 10. Maybe they sit up and brush themselves down. Maybe they sit there and realise this: you might fail, but if you try at something and it works out, you gain something great. If you don't try at all nothing will change.
I think that's a theory instilled in all of us as human beings. We have this amazing capacity to keep going, to keep fighting even when it gets really hard, when every ache in our body and pain in our chest tells us we can't do it, we defy every odd piled against us and pull through.

People are always looking for change, for bigger for better, for brighter. It's hard to understand the idea that happiness isn't an end goal. You can't reach happiness, you can't touch it and you can't contain it or keep it or store it for those days when it gets hard. Happiness can't be an end goal.
So what are we all pursuing? Why do we all have this idea in our heads that if we get that grade we'll be happy, that cookie will make us happy, that promotion, that boy, that girl, that dress- if we go here we'll be happy, if we move away we'll be happy, if we stay right where we are we are sure to be happy. Why? Why do we think like that?

Although I've never watched the film 'The Pursuit of Happyness' I was scrolling through the internet at an obscene hour of the morning and I found this quote:

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

And this is what I was thinking about. Happiness is not the end goal, it's not the destination. It's the journey. While you're making your way and everyone's on this pursuit and you're caught up in this big race, stop yourself for a second and think about it- really think about it.
The things that make us happy, the possessions, the people the places- they're special. We find happiness not in our end goals but the rough time we have trying to get there.

We find it in the people we meet, on page 147 of a really good book, in old movies- we find it in the love we have for our parents, kids, sisters, brothers, friends. We find it in eating toast on the floor ar 3am, we find it climbing under a duvet with someone we love. We find it as we move through life, in our passions, in our music, in driving around at 11pm, old photos of when we were kids, We find it in the times we laugh so hard we think we might lose a couple of fairly essential organs, negotiating cobble stones in £15 high heels.

We're all on this great pursuit, getting caught up in the race to find this unfindable thing- when you realise it's all around us. Happiness is not something you can achieve because you have it. Happiness is not something you can chase because the simple act of chasing it means you are ignoring every opportunity to feel it, to have it. Thomas Jefferson had a pretty incredible insight when he decided what he felt the pursuit of happiness was.

Honestly. I don't know why I'm writing this tonight.
It was just one of those moments of clarity situations where I felt kind of overwhelmed with the idea that we write our own stories, we form our own pursuit of happiness.
It's been weird lately, things are a little rushed and a little out of place and I needed some time to slow down and think- and when I did I guess this happened.

If you want to ask anything or just say anything at all I'd love to hear from you
Goodnight everyone x