Body Confidence.

Last year was the first time in my life that I felt like I was fat.

I don't just mean "awwr man I'm looking a little on the doughy side"- I mean I felt FAT. Don't get me wrong, every single teenager in the world is, at one time or another, unhappy or conscious about the way they look,and of course it's totally normal. I had always been a body confident child. I was never too fat, and I was definitely never skinny. I had always been able to eat whatever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted because I was just average weight. I had my growth spurt and a few bad skin days, but overall puberty wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me. I am very lucky to have grown up in a very positive family set up when it comes to body image. I never felt the need to be stick thin or stop eating, a problem many teenagers today face. I was always told I was beautiful by my parents, and I have always had lovely friends who said similarly. But there was a time that most of my social anxiety and just my anxiety in general stemmed from the fat I couldn't bear to think about my weight. When I was about 14 I stopped growing, but continued with my childish diet and love for high calorie food. By the time I turned 15 I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I felt like no clothes looked flattering on me, the way I carried my weight was all thighs and muffin top stomach- I stopped going to social events because I was genuinely afraid of Facebook photos. I wrote in my diary: "I feel like everyone's looking so lovely and happy and cute, and then there's me- the fat friend. I don't want to go out anymore, because there's going to be photos on Facebook and I just don't want people to see me like this." I felt ugly and disproportionate and unhappy with how I looked. I had 0 body confidence, I didn't speak to boys and thought that I would be a down grade for any guy I had a crush on (which when you're a teenage girl, is a lot of crushes). I only realized how unhappy I was when my mum tried putting up holiday photos of our family trip to Greece and I literally broke down in tears scared people were going to see me in a bikini. That was my turning point. Sitting in the middle of my living room floor crying to my mum because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone seeing those photos.

This time last year I was a 5"5 size 12 teenage girl. I wore a lot of makeup and spent a half hour on my hair every day, because I felt like a prettier face and cute hair would distract from my weight, and tried to only take photos from the waist up because I hated my legs so much. I don't think there has been a period of time since that I have felt that awful about the way I looked. I was ashamed of my body.
Today I'm 5"7 and size 8, I try to go days without a  laborious makeup routine in the morning. I've still got little chubby rolls on my tummy, my thighs just wont get smaller, and my arms are in no way Michelle Obama toned- but I love my body. I'm happy.

My whole attitude to my body changed after that summer I cried over my weight. I went a week barely eating and then cried because I couldn't give up food. I felt like a failure because I couldn't even starve myself. I considered bollemia but the thought of being sick literally makes me want to faint.

But I didn't need to. I didn't go on a crazy diet, I did not pull a "I Used To Be Fat" exerciser routine and burn off anything I put into my mouth. I didn't need to.

I still eat whatever the hell I want- just in moderation. I snack less, eating half of whatever I want and then waiting 5 minutes before I decide I need to eat the rest. I do yoga in my room with a tutorial in front of my on Youtube twice a week, and I use an app for 7 minutes of exercise on my phone most days. That is literally my routine. If i'm honest, I haven't really lost masses of weight. Going from a size 12 to 8 is bloody hard let me tell you, but I part of my new found happiness is my appreciation of my body.

A year ago I would struggle to tell you 3 good things about my body. I would have said: shiny hair, full lips, nice cheekbones. That would be all the positives. But I would also tell you an entire list of negatives: weird nose, too small eyelashes, fat thighs, saggy bum, rolly stomach, chubby cheeks, flabby arms, chunky calfs... I could go on. I was honestly the most miserable I have ever felt about my body.

This year I would tell you I still have shiny hair, full lips and decent cheek bones. But I would feel a little cheeky but confident telling you I don't have a saggy bum- it's quite cute, my thighs are more toned, and slowly slowly my tummy is getting a little flatter. I'm not perfect, I'm not "hot" or Victoria's Secret worthy by any stretch of the imagination- but I know that I'm not ugly. There are perks to me that I didn't realise before. I feel pretty this year, I feel so happy when people tell me I look good, it makes my ENTIRE DAY. It makes achy arms and a pressured tummy feel worth it. 

The best compliments have been from my crazy but wonderful friends and boyfriend who just say when they think I look cute or hot or just nice at all, and I don't think they realise how much that means to me. They are wonderful beautiful supportive people. One of the best compliments I've had since I started feeling 100% more body confident was this: my best friend managed to hand out with one of the 2 hottest guys at our school (Full on Abercrombie meets Greek God type lad. Gorgeous.) and she asked him what he thought of me. He said I was hot you guys. "Hot" FOLLOWED BY a guy in my chemistry class telling another friend he thought I was the ideal size for a girl to be.

These people don't know that I know what they said, and they might not ever know I know what they said. But one thing they will never be able to comprehend  is how happy comments like that make me. How much they make me feel pretty and happy and love my body. When people start noticing you start realising how much impact losing a little weight makes to your life, and even if it's not much and you weren't even fat- the change something like this makes to your mood is unbelievable.

And you know what? I will be confident and sometimes I do think that I look cute or pretty in a dress and I will say that because fuck it I deserve it and I DO LOOK NICE. I'm still working on me, but I'm happy and right now I DO like my body and I DON'T care what anyone else has to say. There's a struggle and sometimes of course you feel low, and you feel like it's not worth it, or you're not worth it, or that you're ugly or you're still chubby and you're failing- but you are beautiful. You need to change your mind set to change your life and make a difference, positivity and optimism is the way to look at it. STOP picking out the bad points and focus on the good. Some of the sexiest women in history are curvy women- I'M STILL CURVY and I don't want to change that. Marilyn Monroe was and is still considered one of the sexiest women in history. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? You don't need to be skinny to be happy, but if losing a little will make you feel sexy and pretty and wonderful DO IT. 

AND DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE YOURSELF TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. THE CHANGE IS FOR YOU AND IT SHOULD BE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY FUCK WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. My God, the importance of loving yourself these days is completely underrated. 

It's amazing what you can achieve when you stop crying and start smiling.