Opinions.

Definition: In general, an opinion is a judgement, viewpoint, or statement about matters commonly considered to be subjective.

Your parents have opinions about those insanely comfy jeans that make you look a little like a hobo, how many piercings you have in your ears, what kind of grades you should be getting. Your grandmother has opinions about Apple products, and good food, perfume, girls skirts and risqué TV shows. Giuliana Rancic has opinions about hair styles and 18 year old girls embracing their cultural backgrounds- but we wont get into that debate now. Mean girls at school have opinions about your laugh or your hair, the shoes you wore last week, the way you talk in front of a class. They will sit and chat and gossip and watch- making comments about you and the way you live your life. They have their opinions.

But so do you. Regardless of how much of your opinions you vocalise, you always have them. Whether or not you tell that mean girl at school she's being mean, you have an opinion on her behaviour. Whether or not you say to your best friend that her outfit is terrible (which you, as their best friend, are entirely obligated to do) you will have an opinion. About the new person your sibling is dating, a new teacher, a cultural issue, politics, shoes, people, places, food- you have an opinion on everything too.

It came to my attention a while ago that people talk about me more than I realised, and also in a negative way- they have a certain opinion of me. Not silly bitchy school girl comments about my outfit or my laugh or my hair, but about my personality.

I like to flatter myself into thinking I am a relatively good person. I try to be good to the people around me and minimise any negative impact I have, In essence I try to be nice a lot of the time. That was an attitude I have at times in my life taken to the extreme, and that has backed-fired on me on more than one occasion. Being "too nice" is something my mother warned me about when I was younger, because people take advantage of kindness if their standards are not the same as yours. That's true of any relationship: friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, colleagues etc. Being "too nice" can result in you becoming totally exhausted, lost to the idea of jumping from one thing to the next to the next and not enjoying life because your're not living it for yourself.

Over the years I have lost that essence of being "too nice". I think that after a long time I realised that trying to please everyone was never going to work. I was tired out trying to juggle and keep everyone happy, I didn't think about the consequences it would have for me: being so exhausted and not myself, distracted and distant from the people I love because I worrying so much. It was a weird time and I was in a head space that I really did not want to be in.

The thing that a lot of people struggle to realise is: thinking of yourself is not always a selfish and negative action. It takes a while for this mentality to set in and that some people struggle with this concept more than others- if you care a lot about what people think and say about you, it has a much greater effect.

I am not by any means a selfless person, I can be selfish, worrying about myself alone and getting cooped up in my own head and my own problems and not sparing a thought to the people around me. Sometimes people get mad at me, or hurt or irritated and they have to snap me out of it and I feel guilty- I am no saying that I was or am now in any way a saint.

A lot more people would say I am selfish now than would have done last year.

At first, this played on my mind every spare second of the day, I felt this overwhelming pressure that people were looking at me differently and judging me, talking about me behind my back- which is something I have never ever been able to handle. But after a while I realised that constant state of guilt and worry about what people though of me was actually just bloody stupid? 

I realised this: everyone has an opinion about you, but not everyone's opinion matters. For so long I got caught up with the opinions of people who didn't like me, people who don't know me- cute boys I never talked too, popular girls who never smile. I took for granted the opinions of the people who cared about me- my mother, my brother, my friends. Because they were so close to me I almost blocked out what they had to say about me and my actions and my attitude. I'd get frustrated and mad if my mum called me out on a behaviour that was out of line- all the time caught up in guilt and anxiety about what little people thought of me.

I only realised after a couple of very awkward and destructive social situations over the last 2 years that actually- I don't care what little people think of me.

Why?

Go and read the definition again- opinions? They're SUBJECTIVE! People are absolutely allowed to have a bad opinion of me, because I realise that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have a small circle of close friends (a conversation topic for those little people, who like to talk about the "clique" of annoying people I surround myself with) but, in my opinion, that circle of friends is one of the best I've ever had. My circle is small but consists of the best people I know, people who I love and who love me. People who make me feel better when I'm sad and buy me junk food when I'm sick- people who lend me their jackets and hug me even if they hate hugs.

I keep my circle small because you should only give all of yourself to people you trust- and actually, these little people are not people I trust. Why give yourself up to someone when you are fully aware you will simply be met with more criticism and talking behind your back?
This is something everyone needs to address in themselves, none of us a exempt from it. All of us at one time or another have expressed a mean opinion, talked behind someone's back, remarking on their actions or their character or something about them. As much as every person is entitled to their opinion and we all have freedom of speech, sometimes it's best, especially when you are emotional,a or uninformed to say nothing. Formulate your opinions based on fact as well as your gut reaction, or your opinions will be emotional and often misdirected and judgemental- it can just be destructive. If destructive energy is the only kind of energy your'e putting out, then surely you can see that destructive energy is going to be the only energy coming back to you too.

With how I live myself now I understand and appreciate that people find it harder to like me than before, when I really did try to make everyone have a good opinion of me. But the truth is, I think I am content with allowing people to earn my trust before letting them become an intrinsic part of my world. I keep good people close after a lot of trial and error, because I have opinions about who I keep close, and that's my personal choice.

I have learnt that the opinions that really matter in my life are the ones of people who came through for me. My mum, my brother, my best friends- people who are in my opinion, wonderful good people who understand and know me. They are how I gauge by actions and attitude, if I am out of line in their eyes I reassess. The people I hold close share a lot of my opinions, morals and principles and their understanding of right and wrong is one that I can get on board with and accept- so I do.

It's necessary to realise that every single person around you will have an opinion of you- but that not everyone's matters. The same way it is important to accept constructive criticism you also have to gauge when that criticism becomes destructive and unnecessary. People are going to judge and watch and talk no matter what you do, so just focus on you and the people who are meant to be in your life and just muddle through the best you can.

Real Talk: Riding the waves.

Recently I have been checking out the whole mindset of being 'mindful' to help me deal with any issues or anxieties I am having about my school work, social or home life, to try and organize my issues and various situations into more manageable chunks. As someone who does tend to panic, worry and generally get very anxious about stupidly small things, I feel like some of the techniques I use and some of the thinking I've been looking at might help other people in a similar position.So if you are the sort of person who has difficulty dealing with their anxieties and huge amounts of jobs then keep reading...

So here we are with the real talk: Sometimes it gets hard.
Sometimes life gets really overwhelming and real and important, and when that happens, everything seems to happen kind of at once. Nothing important or stressful happens by itself, it is always accompanied by other important or stressful things. I know, it sucks- but cest la vie!
Sometimes there will be periods of time when it feels like nothing is ever going to be okay again.
Everything goes wrong, everything hurts, and the number of things that need to get done start to have an almost physical presence in your life.


1. Let me start by saying you are not alone in that feeling.
That weight, and that stress- that anxiety that keeps crashing into you like a wave, someone else has felt that way. In fact, many other people have felt that way.
So you should take comfort in the fact that your inability to handle and process everything that is happening to you, is something that we have all felt at points in our lives- you're not alone.

2. Breakdowns are human.
We are taught we need to be strong to be successful, this is not untrue. You need to be strong enough to chase your dreams, to be knocked down and to get back up again.
But it is an entirely human response once in a while, to sit down and feel sad- to be overwhelmed, to be emotional. Letting your sadness wash through you, letting the struggle hurt and addressing the fact you're angry or frustrated or upset is actually very healthy. human beings are not designed to be happy or strong all the time, we are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, We are flawed, it is a fundamental feature of our existence. It doesn't matter how pretty, or rich, or successful, or funny, or smart a  person is- they will have flaws. They will have too short a temper, be too harsh on themselves, be too harsh on others, fear relationships, test relationships, have issues with authority, have issues without any authority. The fact is no one is perfect, and the acceptance of our flaws and moments of weakness is okay.

3. Drowning.

Being overwhelmed is a horrible feeling- it's like everything you need to and are expected to do suddenly washes over you when you least expect it. You turn your back on the sea that is your responsibility in life and suddenly you're caught up in a strong salty woosh of horrible things. Jobs pile up, and the more there is the harder that wave hits you- and if you let that wave wash over you and drag you down it feels like you're drowning.
In this instance you have to hold on to something that will keep you afloat. This can be in the form of many things, the least healthy but arguably the easiest of which is people: good, kind, constructive people in your life will help you float to the surface of the problems you are having, by giving you advice and support to get you through.
This is highly effective, although you need to be careful how regularly you do this because those people, for whatever reason, may not always be there to bring you back up, leaving you to cope for yourself. So use people to stay afloat very rarely.
Alternative ways to keep yourself afloat include routine: have a set time to do things, go and sleep, make a little time for yourself, for your family, friends, extra curricular activities. But have them in a regular and achievable routine. This will help normalise your issues, or regulate the waves you feel. Organising yourself to the point you know when those waves or that intense pile up of jobs is going to happen will help you to prepare for their impact. Trust me, it helps.


4. Physical effects of drowning (ie: panic attacks and anxiety)

To deal with the physical effects of your emotional or mental "drowning"in your worries or anxieties it's really important to think about how the effect you physically. The most important is breathing:
breathing slower and more deeply is going to pull your body out of a sense of panic and shock, and once your body starts to stop freaking out, your head should automatically follow. It's like an anchor. Think about how you're sitting and if it is going to make you feel more light headed. Do not sit paralysed, movement helps to get the blood pumping round your body in a non-panicky way. Make sure you move, but as you do make sure you are doing things deliberately with force and focus: this way you don't feel like you're treading water and more like you're swimming to shore. The more you make a conscious effort not to panic and try to improve whatever situation you're in, the faster these overwhelming thoughts and issues can be resolved.

So there we have it, some real talk about how to deal with anxiety on a small and personal scale. I hope you find it helpful, and I'd love to hear anything you have to say about this or anything else I post!

X