Relationships: A Game of Yes/ No

Okay, so the way I understand it- relationships are simple.
That is not me saying that relationships are in any way easy, but they are simple. We seem to make relationships really hard, we overcomplicate something that could be so simple to move through and develop.

Here's how I see it: relationships are a series of yes/ no questions. The questions are easy, people are difficult, Inner conflict, moral boundaries, effects on others, that's what makes these decisions difficult, but essentially we are answering yes or no.

For example:

"Can I take you out some time?"
"Do you want to do this again some time?"
"Do you have feelings for them?"
"Do you want to keep hanging out?"
"Do you want to make this thing official?"
"Do you love them?"
"Do they make you happy?"
"Do you guys collaborate and compromise?"
"Do you trust each other?"
"Can you keep going like this?"
"Is there a future here?"

All yes or no questions.

Now don't get me wrong you have to ask a lot of questions in your own little head when you're in a relationship- and you're human, Sometimes you are going to answer wrong, but that's okay because relationships aren't a test and you can change your mind. If your answer to the questions "do they make you happy?" was yes but changes over time, you are going to have reasons for that- changing your mind is okay.

Here's the catch though: we can't control how other people are answering their questions. If you ask someone in a relationship "are they the one?" sometimes for each person in a relationship there is a different answer. For the most part, there is not a lot you can do about other people's decision making. You can't change a person, you can't decide their answers for them and you can't live your life or base your relationship based upon someone else's decisions. You do you, they can make their own minds up and if the answer to "are we on the same page?" is "yes" then go for it, knock yourself out.

So if it's rough and you're second guessing a situation or a person, break it down because essentially answering yes or no will clarify in your own mind whether you are happy where you are. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. If there are a lot of factors in your relationship start with the basics yes or no and keep adding factors with yes or no answers.
"Do I like this guy?" Yes.
"It's my best friends ex, does this make me a bad person?" Yes.
"Should I talk to her first?" Yes.
Work through, add factors, do not overcomplicate.

In the end you know in your own heart what you want in a relationship, you know what and who is going to make you happy. You know the people who are bad for you and equally you know the people who are good for you, the ones that pick you up when you're down, make you feel better, motivate and inspire you- and you need to break it down and keep them close.

So the way I see it: you can't control everything, but don't spoil the beautiful simplicity of the things you can, that's the way I see relationships anyway.

If this helps any of you at all, or you just want to leave a comment and say your piece I'd love to hear from you! Just drop a comment in the box below:)

X

I love you.

It's come to my attention recently, that life is short.

One day we are going to die, whether we're 90 or 19- one day our lives will end, and all that will be left of us will be what we did and the people we loved and those who loved us, and that will be our legacy. That's how I feel about it anyway.

The reason for this strangely morbid way of thinking, is the result of being very very near a fatal car crash a few weeks ago, and having a good friends family member witnessing it first hand. There was an awful incident where a 15 year old on her bike was hit by a car going 60. She died upon impact. The driver was seriously injured as they have swerved trying to miss the girl and crashed into the trees that line the road. A close friends mother was in the car behind, and was the person who got out called the ambulance and watched while this girl was tucked away, because 7 minutes was too late to save her. It shook her family up, and made them think about their priorities- that night they had a big family dinner, and sat around actually talking to each other, sitting on sofas and looking at old photos. It was an event that really put things into perspective.

So here's my thing, if life is short- why don't we say how we feel? Why don't we tell that smug bitch she isn't actually God's gift, tell that teacher that he's being a rude ass hoe, tell that boy we've been crushing on we think he's cute, telling the people who really matter in our lives that we love them?

So this morning, my mum woke me up late to let me sleep, made me coffee and left things for cooked breakfast on the kitchen counter- it's stuff like that I love. It's little treats from Body Shop that sometimes surprise me when I get home from school, it's buying my favourite conditioner, or making loads of great food on really cold days. I love my mum, and I'm a melt about it, and we probably have far too co-dependant a relationship, but she's always been the only consistent thing in my life. Now sure we argue, and we argue a lot, and rarely it can be a huge fight (rarely, but it's a fairly gigantic affair when it does happen)- but I love her, and she loves me.

After a rough time at home over the last couple of months, we sat down and decided enough was enough, we all needed to change our attitudes towards each other in order to make our home environment a lot better. One of the things we started was hugging goodbye and saying goodbye properly when we left for school or work in the morning. Because you shouldn't leave the people you love angry, or alone- because honestly you don't know if there's going to be a car crash, or a fire, or some huge tragedy that's going to leave you in a situation where you don't know if they're okay. All you will know is the last thing you did with that person was fight, or you blanked them, or snapped at them or yelled at them. How awful would you feel if after that fight you hear about an accident and all of a sudden that person that you love isn't picking up the phone? Replying to their texts, and nobody has heard from them?

Time is short, people!

Those people that you truly love and who truly love you should be told as often as you can. You need to make the people that matter aware that they are important.

I have issues the phrase "I love you." I think it is overused, and that as a society we have become desensitized to what it actually means. I think hormonal teenage boys ruin it by telling a girl they love them on the second date, or to get in their pants. I think teenage girls ruin it because they put it on every single Instagram post with "bae" and tell them over and over and over.
But sometimes it's sincere, sometimes people need you to call them up in the middle of the night to see how they are and to inform them that you love them, that you appreciate them, that you care about them.

Telling your Mum thank you and I love you for the coffee ad breakfast on a lazy Sunday will be something she feels happy about. Telling your boyfriend or girlfriend I love you for the first time changes everything, and it can be so beautiful to be able to admit the extent of how you feel to someone, it can be liberating.

You don't have to say it if like me, sometimes you're cynical and treat it as a tired cliché. You can make your mum tea in the morning, cut someone's sandwiches into cute shapes, leave your friends stupidly long emoji filled messages that basically say "have a good day"- like for God's sake, hold that persons hand in public, kiss them on the cheek even when you're with your friends so they know you're proud to be with them. Listen to that awful track your crazy friend loves and tell them gently that they're crazy and to each their own. Leave dumb notes, make phone calls instead of texts, and try with all your might not to fall asleep hurting, yourself or anyone else.

Go to bed knowing you put out positive energy into the universe that day. 

Regardless of what I believe about God or religion or any of that, I maintain the belief in karma, and that the universe rewards you for what you do or don't give in life.

So say it or show it in some way, but our time on this earth is short, and one day all that will be left are the people that mattered, and the memories you made- in time most of us will be forgotten in the world but not in the hearts of the people that cared, so tell them you love them.

A Little Relationship Advice.

It took me while to decide whether I wanted to post anything even remotely related to relationships and love and boys and crush's all that sexy stuff.

For a long time I felt like topics like this have a tendency to get really preachy and cringey, people get wrapped up telling their relationship stories and won't top going on about how good their techniques in relationships are. In a lot of ways I didn't want to be judged for writing about that kind of personal stuff, and the topic is kind of taboo because it's almost "too girly".

But to be honest, I want to discuss relationships and boys and crush's, because I don't feel like this kind of stuff does get discussed much. Relationships are a learning curve, no one can tell you exactly how to do it- but now and then a little advice can really help you sort through the madness.
So here we are lovelies, a little advice I have accumulated in my short time on this little blue planet.

1. Your head and your heart will tell you different things, know when to listen to each of them. Often people get to carried away too quickly in relationships. Falling too hard and too fast for someone is a very risky business because you don't know if that person is always going to be there to catch you. As much as taking things fast is a rush, if you're not falling for someone reliable- chances are you could hit the ground pretty hard.
Top falling analogies for you.
(I am not going to apologise even a tiny little bit for the Austin and Vanessa photos.)

2. Keep your wits about you.
Sometimes you think you're falling for someone perfect, and they're cute and funny and sweet and make you feel special- but it's sad, and it hurts to hear it, but sometimes people are not all they seem. That cute boy from history could be texting you all these sweet things, but if he avoids your looks in school, and won't talk to you in front of his friends or other girls- consider who else experienced the same late night conversations. Not everyone in this world is nice my lovelies, it's cynical but it's a good lesson to bear in mind.
At the same time don't be super paranoid about boys, they're not all bad as much as the boys in your town may be utterly crappy. There's always going to be a gem somewhere in there- have a little faith.

3. "I love you" is like virginity, you only get one first time so make it count.
I personally have a very hard time with the whole saying "I love you" thing. Some people say it more easily than others, just with me I feel once you say you have to mean it and commit to it- so it's not a phrase I tend to throw around when it comes to boys.
With the phrase there is no set time frame around which you need to say it- if you feel it, and you think the person your with feels the same, tell them. You can be in a relationship for a year and not feel love, and be with someone else and feel love in just a month- it sounds crazy but it does happen.
As much as that is true, don't mistake intense affection for love. Affection can eb and flow depending on where you are in your life and the person you're with. If you've spent an afternoon in bed with your significant other (god that's a great phrase) and you've spent the time cuddled all close and making out and giggling then DUH you're going to feel really affectionate towards them. That warm fuzzy glow is going to be there because you're happy and comfortable and calm- so you could tell them you love them when in fact you love the situation you're in. (Just give it some thought)
Of course you can tell someone right then if you're sure that feeling isn't going to fade after they head home, but if it's 3am after a crisis and they're stressed and you're stressed and the world is cold and crappy, and you still have that same warm fuzzy glow- honey, it's more than likely love. So tell them.

4. Boys are basic. Especially teenage ones.
I hate to tell you lovelies, but it's true. Teenage boys have 3 great loves: food, sex and then one other thing depending on their style. For hipsters: food, sex, instagram. Jocks: food, sex, football/ basketball/ rugby. The skate boys: food, sex, boards and vans. The list continues. So put the necessary love in the gap:
Boys love food, sex and ..................

It doesn't matter how nice or innocent or sweet your guy is, he will want sex- fact. It's hard-wired into our genetics to want it, as humans it is actually a basic need. This is not a bad need in moderation (ooh cheeky) but is something as girls dealing with boys, that we need to accept and be able to deal with. Usually this is fairly simple: yes or no questions, and if the guy is an utter fucking tool, a kick to the genitals for good measure. (not saying all boys, don't hate me I'm generalizing to put forward a point worth considering as a young female).

Boys love food. Teenage boys burn a billion more calories than they should, due to metabolism they have been gifted with during puberty. They love to eat purely because they can.
Do with that information what you will, but my Nana always did say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

5. Forgive and forget.
People make mistakes, you will mess up too. If they're truly sorry and want to make amends, let them show you. Also, sometimes you need to forgive people not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be at peace.
That is all.

6. Cut lose those who bring you down
Toxic relationships will damage you more than you now, limit the damage and keep yourself healthy and happy. People forget your happiness is part of your health, cut lose people who are unhealthy to be around for whatever reason.

7. Call them out on the bullshit
They should do the same for you.

8. Your friends are almost always right
Your best friends will know you best, they know what is good for you 9 times out of 10. Occasionally they will get it wrong, but really think about what your friends are saying if they hate the person you're with- just think about it kids.

9. Manipulation- bad. Keep your cards on the table and I promise you will enjoy it so much more.
Lying, cheating, half truths bullshit- no stop. You don't do it, they don't do it and I promise you will be happy. Be open, talk, discuss, argue a little (not too much).

10. If it's not lifting you up and is a constant panic in your world it's not working.
A relationship with someone is meant to be adding something to your life not taking anything away. Although relationships are about compromise and collaboration, they should not drain you completely. It's a little give and take but if you're doing all the giving, and hurting because someone else is using up all of you- it's not worth it. It is not working if your setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, that's just fact.

(If they make you feel like this...)

(And deal with your crazy... then he's a keeper.)

And there we have it my little angels, my list of 10 things that I've found make navigating all this boys and relationships malarkey a little easier. If you disagree or want to add anything or ask any questions let me know in the comments I'd love to hear from y'all- but thee we are!

I hope some of this helps a little with managing life, have a lovely day darlings xxx

Winter Lip Products.

It's happening you guys, the winter is coming.

I know this because I have seen the Coke advert, the Christmas light's in my time have come on, and my Grandma has started knitting all her grandchildren jumpers. I know this because I can see my breathe in the air at the bus stop, and I can FEEL MY LIPS HATING ME.Winter has many beautiful perks, however its's effect on your lips are not one of them.
Being one of large lips I have a lot of surface area that can get cracked and dry and generally not very nice, so it's a yearly struggle for me to keep my lips smooth and pouty (All ready for mistletoe etc obviously...) So obviously I had to check out what lip products ACTUALLY work for this year and my loves I have my list of Top 5 Winter Lips Products!

3. Maybelline Baby Lips

These cute and colourful little chap stick type products from Maybelline are pretty fabulous. With a range of different colours and flavours to match your preference these little cuties are good for a quick top up when out in the cold. I used the yellow intensive care and the blue hydration lip balms, and I really did like them. You can wear a layer of lipstick or just on their own. They all smell fantastic and are a wonderful little addition to your makeup bag or just in your back pocket. Although these are a lovely little product I don't feel like they can save your lips once they're chapped. They are a great prevention for chapped lips, but if you're already trying to fix severe damage to your lips I'm afraid these are not the product for you. They are fabulous products, lovely smelling, cute size, beautifully packaged and a good buy. You can get these little cuties for £2.99 at Boots online.

2. Carmex Lip Balm Tube

Now I won't lie- I did think this little tube of wonder was glue at first glance, but don't be deceived  these little wonder tubes are a fabulous little addition to your winter beauty routine. The tub is a lot like lip gloss and makes your lips tingle a little when you apply- but CAN ACTUALLY FIX ALREADY CHAPPED LIPS.
I know, calm down guys, it's cool. Carmex basically saved my chapped little lips after a week of just licking my lips in the cold and letting them get more and more chapped. At boots they come in little pots and sticks with similar formulas but my favourite Carmex product has to be the tube version. In strawberry, cherry, mint, and just its origional scents the smell could be a little much for some but personally I love it, a fabulous and STRONG little product available for £2.99 on Boots online.

1. Palmer Cocoa Butter Lip Balm.

Here it is you guys, my number one beauty must have for winter lips. Palmers is a brand I am going to be raving about I think because I adore it. I LOVE cocoa anything, being a self confessed chocaholic anything that smells as good as a hot chocolate is pretty good in my books. Palmers Lip Balm smells AMAZING, and it actually works. The Ultra Moisturizing Lip balm lasted me absolutely ages and after my very first application started making my lips feel softer and less chapped. I love this product and it'a simplicity: smells good, does good. My lips feel soft and smooth every time I use it and it's only £1.89 on Boots online. Palmers also do a lip gloss type version of the product that I'm also mad about for, which is £2.75 in Superdrug- let me tell you, your lips will smell so good you'll just want to keep applying it just for the smell.

Body Confidence.

Last year was the first time in my life that I felt like I was fat.

I don't just mean "awwr man I'm looking a little on the doughy side"- I mean I felt FAT. Don't get me wrong, every single teenager in the world is, at one time or another, unhappy or conscious about the way they look,and of course it's totally normal. I had always been a body confident child. I was never too fat, and I was definitely never skinny. I had always been able to eat whatever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted because I was just average weight. I had my growth spurt and a few bad skin days, but overall puberty wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me. I am very lucky to have grown up in a very positive family set up when it comes to body image. I never felt the need to be stick thin or stop eating, a problem many teenagers today face. I was always told I was beautiful by my parents, and I have always had lovely friends who said similarly. But there was a time that most of my social anxiety and just my anxiety in general stemmed from the fat I couldn't bear to think about my weight. When I was about 14 I stopped growing, but continued with my childish diet and love for high calorie food. By the time I turned 15 I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I felt like no clothes looked flattering on me, the way I carried my weight was all thighs and muffin top stomach- I stopped going to social events because I was genuinely afraid of Facebook photos. I wrote in my diary: "I feel like everyone's looking so lovely and happy and cute, and then there's me- the fat friend. I don't want to go out anymore, because there's going to be photos on Facebook and I just don't want people to see me like this." I felt ugly and disproportionate and unhappy with how I looked. I had 0 body confidence, I didn't speak to boys and thought that I would be a down grade for any guy I had a crush on (which when you're a teenage girl, is a lot of crushes). I only realized how unhappy I was when my mum tried putting up holiday photos of our family trip to Greece and I literally broke down in tears scared people were going to see me in a bikini. That was my turning point. Sitting in the middle of my living room floor crying to my mum because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone seeing those photos.

This time last year I was a 5"5 size 12 teenage girl. I wore a lot of makeup and spent a half hour on my hair every day, because I felt like a prettier face and cute hair would distract from my weight, and tried to only take photos from the waist up because I hated my legs so much. I don't think there has been a period of time since that I have felt that awful about the way I looked. I was ashamed of my body.
Today I'm 5"7 and size 8, I try to go days without a  laborious makeup routine in the morning. I've still got little chubby rolls on my tummy, my thighs just wont get smaller, and my arms are in no way Michelle Obama toned- but I love my body. I'm happy.

My whole attitude to my body changed after that summer I cried over my weight. I went a week barely eating and then cried because I couldn't give up food. I felt like a failure because I couldn't even starve myself. I considered bollemia but the thought of being sick literally makes me want to faint.

But I didn't need to. I didn't go on a crazy diet, I did not pull a "I Used To Be Fat" exerciser routine and burn off anything I put into my mouth. I didn't need to.

I still eat whatever the hell I want- just in moderation. I snack less, eating half of whatever I want and then waiting 5 minutes before I decide I need to eat the rest. I do yoga in my room with a tutorial in front of my on Youtube twice a week, and I use an app for 7 minutes of exercise on my phone most days. That is literally my routine. If i'm honest, I haven't really lost masses of weight. Going from a size 12 to 8 is bloody hard let me tell you, but I part of my new found happiness is my appreciation of my body.

A year ago I would struggle to tell you 3 good things about my body. I would have said: shiny hair, full lips, nice cheekbones. That would be all the positives. But I would also tell you an entire list of negatives: weird nose, too small eyelashes, fat thighs, saggy bum, rolly stomach, chubby cheeks, flabby arms, chunky calfs... I could go on. I was honestly the most miserable I have ever felt about my body.

This year I would tell you I still have shiny hair, full lips and decent cheek bones. But I would feel a little cheeky but confident telling you I don't have a saggy bum- it's quite cute, my thighs are more toned, and slowly slowly my tummy is getting a little flatter. I'm not perfect, I'm not "hot" or Victoria's Secret worthy by any stretch of the imagination- but I know that I'm not ugly. There are perks to me that I didn't realise before. I feel pretty this year, I feel so happy when people tell me I look good, it makes my ENTIRE DAY. It makes achy arms and a pressured tummy feel worth it. 

The best compliments have been from my crazy but wonderful friends and boyfriend who just say when they think I look cute or hot or just nice at all, and I don't think they realise how much that means to me. They are wonderful beautiful supportive people. One of the best compliments I've had since I started feeling 100% more body confident was this: my best friend managed to hand out with one of the 2 hottest guys at our school (Full on Abercrombie meets Greek God type lad. Gorgeous.) and she asked him what he thought of me. He said I was hot you guys. "Hot" FOLLOWED BY a guy in my chemistry class telling another friend he thought I was the ideal size for a girl to be.

These people don't know that I know what they said, and they might not ever know I know what they said. But one thing they will never be able to comprehend  is how happy comments like that make me. How much they make me feel pretty and happy and love my body. When people start noticing you start realising how much impact losing a little weight makes to your life, and even if it's not much and you weren't even fat- the change something like this makes to your mood is unbelievable.

And you know what? I will be confident and sometimes I do think that I look cute or pretty in a dress and I will say that because fuck it I deserve it and I DO LOOK NICE. I'm still working on me, but I'm happy and right now I DO like my body and I DON'T care what anyone else has to say. There's a struggle and sometimes of course you feel low, and you feel like it's not worth it, or you're not worth it, or that you're ugly or you're still chubby and you're failing- but you are beautiful. You need to change your mind set to change your life and make a difference, positivity and optimism is the way to look at it. STOP picking out the bad points and focus on the good. Some of the sexiest women in history are curvy women- I'M STILL CURVY and I don't want to change that. Marilyn Monroe was and is still considered one of the sexiest women in history. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? You don't need to be skinny to be happy, but if losing a little will make you feel sexy and pretty and wonderful DO IT. 

AND DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE YOURSELF TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. THE CHANGE IS FOR YOU AND IT SHOULD BE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY FUCK WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. My God, the importance of loving yourself these days is completely underrated. 

It's amazing what you can achieve when you stop crying and start smiling.