Relationships: A Game of Yes/ No

Okay, so the way I understand it- relationships are simple.
That is not me saying that relationships are in any way easy, but they are simple. We seem to make relationships really hard, we overcomplicate something that could be so simple to move through and develop.

Here's how I see it: relationships are a series of yes/ no questions. The questions are easy, people are difficult, Inner conflict, moral boundaries, effects on others, that's what makes these decisions difficult, but essentially we are answering yes or no.

For example:

"Can I take you out some time?"
"Do you want to do this again some time?"
"Do you have feelings for them?"
"Do you want to keep hanging out?"
"Do you want to make this thing official?"
"Do you love them?"
"Do they make you happy?"
"Do you guys collaborate and compromise?"
"Do you trust each other?"
"Can you keep going like this?"
"Is there a future here?"

All yes or no questions.

Now don't get me wrong you have to ask a lot of questions in your own little head when you're in a relationship- and you're human, Sometimes you are going to answer wrong, but that's okay because relationships aren't a test and you can change your mind. If your answer to the questions "do they make you happy?" was yes but changes over time, you are going to have reasons for that- changing your mind is okay.

Here's the catch though: we can't control how other people are answering their questions. If you ask someone in a relationship "are they the one?" sometimes for each person in a relationship there is a different answer. For the most part, there is not a lot you can do about other people's decision making. You can't change a person, you can't decide their answers for them and you can't live your life or base your relationship based upon someone else's decisions. You do you, they can make their own minds up and if the answer to "are we on the same page?" is "yes" then go for it, knock yourself out.

So if it's rough and you're second guessing a situation or a person, break it down because essentially answering yes or no will clarify in your own mind whether you are happy where you are. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. If there are a lot of factors in your relationship start with the basics yes or no and keep adding factors with yes or no answers.
"Do I like this guy?" Yes.
"It's my best friends ex, does this make me a bad person?" Yes.
"Should I talk to her first?" Yes.
Work through, add factors, do not overcomplicate.

In the end you know in your own heart what you want in a relationship, you know what and who is going to make you happy. You know the people who are bad for you and equally you know the people who are good for you, the ones that pick you up when you're down, make you feel better, motivate and inspire you- and you need to break it down and keep them close.

So the way I see it: you can't control everything, but don't spoil the beautiful simplicity of the things you can, that's the way I see relationships anyway.

If this helps any of you at all, or you just want to leave a comment and say your piece I'd love to hear from you! Just drop a comment in the box below:)

X

A Little Relationship Advice.

It took me while to decide whether I wanted to post anything even remotely related to relationships and love and boys and crush's all that sexy stuff.

For a long time I felt like topics like this have a tendency to get really preachy and cringey, people get wrapped up telling their relationship stories and won't top going on about how good their techniques in relationships are. In a lot of ways I didn't want to be judged for writing about that kind of personal stuff, and the topic is kind of taboo because it's almost "too girly".

But to be honest, I want to discuss relationships and boys and crush's, because I don't feel like this kind of stuff does get discussed much. Relationships are a learning curve, no one can tell you exactly how to do it- but now and then a little advice can really help you sort through the madness.
So here we are lovelies, a little advice I have accumulated in my short time on this little blue planet.

1. Your head and your heart will tell you different things, know when to listen to each of them. Often people get to carried away too quickly in relationships. Falling too hard and too fast for someone is a very risky business because you don't know if that person is always going to be there to catch you. As much as taking things fast is a rush, if you're not falling for someone reliable- chances are you could hit the ground pretty hard.
Top falling analogies for you.
(I am not going to apologise even a tiny little bit for the Austin and Vanessa photos.)

2. Keep your wits about you.
Sometimes you think you're falling for someone perfect, and they're cute and funny and sweet and make you feel special- but it's sad, and it hurts to hear it, but sometimes people are not all they seem. That cute boy from history could be texting you all these sweet things, but if he avoids your looks in school, and won't talk to you in front of his friends or other girls- consider who else experienced the same late night conversations. Not everyone in this world is nice my lovelies, it's cynical but it's a good lesson to bear in mind.
At the same time don't be super paranoid about boys, they're not all bad as much as the boys in your town may be utterly crappy. There's always going to be a gem somewhere in there- have a little faith.

3. "I love you" is like virginity, you only get one first time so make it count.
I personally have a very hard time with the whole saying "I love you" thing. Some people say it more easily than others, just with me I feel once you say you have to mean it and commit to it- so it's not a phrase I tend to throw around when it comes to boys.
With the phrase there is no set time frame around which you need to say it- if you feel it, and you think the person your with feels the same, tell them. You can be in a relationship for a year and not feel love, and be with someone else and feel love in just a month- it sounds crazy but it does happen.
As much as that is true, don't mistake intense affection for love. Affection can eb and flow depending on where you are in your life and the person you're with. If you've spent an afternoon in bed with your significant other (god that's a great phrase) and you've spent the time cuddled all close and making out and giggling then DUH you're going to feel really affectionate towards them. That warm fuzzy glow is going to be there because you're happy and comfortable and calm- so you could tell them you love them when in fact you love the situation you're in. (Just give it some thought)
Of course you can tell someone right then if you're sure that feeling isn't going to fade after they head home, but if it's 3am after a crisis and they're stressed and you're stressed and the world is cold and crappy, and you still have that same warm fuzzy glow- honey, it's more than likely love. So tell them.

4. Boys are basic. Especially teenage ones.
I hate to tell you lovelies, but it's true. Teenage boys have 3 great loves: food, sex and then one other thing depending on their style. For hipsters: food, sex, instagram. Jocks: food, sex, football/ basketball/ rugby. The skate boys: food, sex, boards and vans. The list continues. So put the necessary love in the gap:
Boys love food, sex and ..................

It doesn't matter how nice or innocent or sweet your guy is, he will want sex- fact. It's hard-wired into our genetics to want it, as humans it is actually a basic need. This is not a bad need in moderation (ooh cheeky) but is something as girls dealing with boys, that we need to accept and be able to deal with. Usually this is fairly simple: yes or no questions, and if the guy is an utter fucking tool, a kick to the genitals for good measure. (not saying all boys, don't hate me I'm generalizing to put forward a point worth considering as a young female).

Boys love food. Teenage boys burn a billion more calories than they should, due to metabolism they have been gifted with during puberty. They love to eat purely because they can.
Do with that information what you will, but my Nana always did say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

5. Forgive and forget.
People make mistakes, you will mess up too. If they're truly sorry and want to make amends, let them show you. Also, sometimes you need to forgive people not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be at peace.
That is all.

6. Cut lose those who bring you down
Toxic relationships will damage you more than you now, limit the damage and keep yourself healthy and happy. People forget your happiness is part of your health, cut lose people who are unhealthy to be around for whatever reason.

7. Call them out on the bullshit
They should do the same for you.

8. Your friends are almost always right
Your best friends will know you best, they know what is good for you 9 times out of 10. Occasionally they will get it wrong, but really think about what your friends are saying if they hate the person you're with- just think about it kids.

9. Manipulation- bad. Keep your cards on the table and I promise you will enjoy it so much more.
Lying, cheating, half truths bullshit- no stop. You don't do it, they don't do it and I promise you will be happy. Be open, talk, discuss, argue a little (not too much).

10. If it's not lifting you up and is a constant panic in your world it's not working.
A relationship with someone is meant to be adding something to your life not taking anything away. Although relationships are about compromise and collaboration, they should not drain you completely. It's a little give and take but if you're doing all the giving, and hurting because someone else is using up all of you- it's not worth it. It is not working if your setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, that's just fact.

(If they make you feel like this...)

(And deal with your crazy... then he's a keeper.)

And there we have it my little angels, my list of 10 things that I've found make navigating all this boys and relationships malarkey a little easier. If you disagree or want to add anything or ask any questions let me know in the comments I'd love to hear from y'all- but thee we are!

I hope some of this helps a little with managing life, have a lovely day darlings xxx

Good friends.

Good friends are like good jeans, or bras, or luggage. Those are things you need as standard in your life. If you have these fundamental things I promise you that life will be easier, because your core components are of good quality and will last you a very long time.

In your life you are going to meet a lot of people, and as the years go on, you and the people around you are going to change. You are going to meet people who change you too, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. You're going to meet a boy that you would turn your world upside down for, you're going to sit next to a girl who bites her nails and you are going to have to resist the habit yourself (and probably fail too, don't feel bad the best of us fall to the nail biting).

There will be people who get you into boybands, or heavy metal, or Instagram. Crazy health kids who put you on a mad diet, a wise grandparent who changes your life with a humbug and a story from the days of black and white photos- the people that you surround yourself with will shape you and the way you are.

Therefore, in my 17 years experience of this big wide world, you need to surround yourself with wonderful people. People who make you do this:

And this:

Or this:

And make you act like this:

What I'm saying is, you need to surround yourself with good people. "Good" I am aware is a relative term, so let me just expand on what I mean. You need to surround yourself with people who are going to be good to you, treat you with respect. People who respect you will care about your opinion, but equally aren't going to sugar coat it when you are wrong. You need to have people in your life who are going to call you out on your BS, and keep you grounded if you get a little bit too floaty. But equally you cannot surround yourself with people who constantly bring you down- people who will support you and care for you and push you higher are essential for your individual happiness and well being.

I am incredibly blessed to have an incredibly supportive mother and wonderful group of friends who play this role in my life. Without this network of support and laughs and tea drinking maniacs, my life would not even be half as entertaining, ad I would not have consumed half as much coffee as I do with them.

Now, people are all flawed. Just because someone is a wonderful person does not mean that they will not make mistakes. You can do dumb shit without being a dumb shit, you feel? If you have a good friend who screws up with you, give it time- but forgive them. If a person is not there for you one time when you needed them I know it's difficult, I know it hurts and I know that you feel like they are no longer a good person for you. But if they're trying and showing you that they are there, and are sorry and make it up to you- and if that person would move the moon and sun to make sure you're okay again, then kid's it's important you forgive them. People mess up, we're human- the human condition dictates that we make huge mistakes, but we grow and we learn from them. Good friends will mes up, but if they are truly good friends to you, you need to forgive and forget.

I'm not saying that all people deserve to be forgiven. If you have a best friend who sleeps with your boyfriend and kills your hamster and dates your dad- damn son, you can push the slag out of your life. Toxic people lead to toxic relationships, making your life harder and more difficult- but good friends will improve your life, and make it happier. You have to be able to see the difference between people who are there for you and people who say they are, that's the true distinction between good friends and acquaintances who once showed an interest. 

If you are having a hard time you need to be aware that if you have a good network of friends, they will always try and help you. Don't keep it all bottled up because that will hurt you, and pushing them away will hurt your relationships too. Talk to your friends, over coffee, at your house, at their house, on the phone, scream it across a field, send a message by pigeon post- whatever you want, but make sure you communicate because good friends will always make you feel better.

Go out with your friends, make room for their mad interests as well as your own. Go to that comic book convention with your crazy guy friends, let them talk physics at you. Shop with your wanna-be Made in Chelsea crazed girls, talk Monet with the arty ones, try those cookies they make, listen to that song even if it's uber depressing and awful- you'll learn something along the way.

When it comes down to it, whatever you want your friends to be to you, you need to be to them. If you want someone supportive, crazy and kind, a good listener and a fast talking gossip buddy- you need to be all of those things. If you want consistent and strong and grounding, be that for them.

Good friends, like good bras, good jeans and good luggage will carry you throughout your life, making the struggles and journey along the way more manageable. They will be reliable, they will make it through the hard times with you, and they wont leave you when the pressure is too high, or the wash is too hot. But you have to take care of them too. Never underestimate the importance of good friends.

The Importance of an Inspiration: My Mum

Everyone has people they look up to for different reasons. There are the greats: Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Mohammad Ali- and the recently passed Nelson Mandela. Figures of greatness and strength, people who gave others hope, a voice. People like that gave people their whole lives, created a place where people could really live and not just be alive. Victoria's Secret models are, in the minds of many young girls, the pinnacle of beauty and fitness- so are an inspiration to them. Politicians inspire thousands of people in life to strive to make a change in the world, like Obama. Some people are inspired by successful people, celebrities, fashion designers, the rich, the famous- But (and wait for the cringe) my mum has to be one of the most inspirational people in my life. 

Recently a wonderful lady who I knew died fighting cancer.Cancer is an awful thing to happen to any family, and the effects of it are honestly devastating. She had 3 kids. All 3 were left without either parent to try and put together their lives, while there was a hole in their hearts where she should have been. I cannot even begin to imagine how much strength it takes for those three to carry on in their lives with neither parent to guide them, and the loss of their mother staying with them. It really made me think about how much my mum means to me and does for me in my life. The woman is irreplaceable. 

So, this post is dedicated to my Mumma.
What a cringe, what a mummy's girl- I know what you're thinking, how cliche, of course she loves her mum. Yes of course my mum, but like every other person in the world I forget about her and take her for granted. I forget that just because she's a mum she does not have everything together. She does not necessarily know what to do, she will make mistakes, she gets mad, she can lose it sometimes. The fact that you love your mum does not make up for taking her for granted, being rude or disrespectful. I can understand for people who have a rocky relationship with their parents how frustrating people like me must be... but honestly in most cases, our mother tried their hardest to make everything good for us. Generally they want the best for us, they want us to succeed, be happy in our lives. So assuming they know you love them too is not a good thing. Mother's invest so much into their kids, whether it is wanted or not. Think about everything your mum does for you... all of us are at least a little spoilt by our Mumma's.

Now don't get me wrong, there are times I want to yell and scream and fight with her about something, because the woman can nag, and she can be a little harsh with her judgement  or I wont like the tone she's taking with me, or she'll stress me out too much over things- we are not perfect people. We're as bad as each other when it comes to our tempers, but we love each other ridiculous amounts as well. Affection and love is something I was lucky enough to always have plenty of as a child, almost too much. My mum tried to shield me from a lot of things in life, keep us all safe and happy- I always knew I was loved.

That's why I can never really fight with the woman, because one of us will be wrong- and because we love each other the one who is wrong will admit it, we work on it and we move on. She will never hold a grudge, she just let's go and we learn and move forward. Even if I made a terrible mistake and screwed things up she'll sit through it with me, ask me what I learned from it and we move forward.

Her patience with me is second to none, she knows when to let me have my space and work things out but she also knows when to talk to me. She knows when she needs to push me, if I'm slacking- because she expects me to try my best. My mum is a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman, and I appreciate her immensely because without her I don't know what I would do. She inspires me to work hard, because that's how she got where she is today. She inspires me to be patient and loving with everyone. She taught me how to be strong and to stand up for myself, and that the only person I should rely to get me places is myself. 

She is a wonderful beautiful woman and I really couldn't do without her, so she deserves a little help around the house. She needs a few things done when she gets home from work. Family time is important to her and I should try to be enthusiastic about it. I should let her embarrass me sometimes- it keeps her young. Because I couldn't be without her, she is honestly a true inspiration to me with whatever direction I take in my life.

Love you Mumma.