Relationships: A Game of Yes/ No

Okay, so the way I understand it- relationships are simple.
That is not me saying that relationships are in any way easy, but they are simple. We seem to make relationships really hard, we overcomplicate something that could be so simple to move through and develop.

Here's how I see it: relationships are a series of yes/ no questions. The questions are easy, people are difficult, Inner conflict, moral boundaries, effects on others, that's what makes these decisions difficult, but essentially we are answering yes or no.

For example:

"Can I take you out some time?"
"Do you want to do this again some time?"
"Do you have feelings for them?"
"Do you want to keep hanging out?"
"Do you want to make this thing official?"
"Do you love them?"
"Do they make you happy?"
"Do you guys collaborate and compromise?"
"Do you trust each other?"
"Can you keep going like this?"
"Is there a future here?"

All yes or no questions.

Now don't get me wrong you have to ask a lot of questions in your own little head when you're in a relationship- and you're human, Sometimes you are going to answer wrong, but that's okay because relationships aren't a test and you can change your mind. If your answer to the questions "do they make you happy?" was yes but changes over time, you are going to have reasons for that- changing your mind is okay.

Here's the catch though: we can't control how other people are answering their questions. If you ask someone in a relationship "are they the one?" sometimes for each person in a relationship there is a different answer. For the most part, there is not a lot you can do about other people's decision making. You can't change a person, you can't decide their answers for them and you can't live your life or base your relationship based upon someone else's decisions. You do you, they can make their own minds up and if the answer to "are we on the same page?" is "yes" then go for it, knock yourself out.

So if it's rough and you're second guessing a situation or a person, break it down because essentially answering yes or no will clarify in your own mind whether you are happy where you are. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. If there are a lot of factors in your relationship start with the basics yes or no and keep adding factors with yes or no answers.
"Do I like this guy?" Yes.
"It's my best friends ex, does this make me a bad person?" Yes.
"Should I talk to her first?" Yes.
Work through, add factors, do not overcomplicate.

In the end you know in your own heart what you want in a relationship, you know what and who is going to make you happy. You know the people who are bad for you and equally you know the people who are good for you, the ones that pick you up when you're down, make you feel better, motivate and inspire you- and you need to break it down and keep them close.

So the way I see it: you can't control everything, but don't spoil the beautiful simplicity of the things you can, that's the way I see relationships anyway.

If this helps any of you at all, or you just want to leave a comment and say your piece I'd love to hear from you! Just drop a comment in the box below:)

X

To My Best Friend (II).

So, I wrote you like this once before- it was very different and very teary and very very honest, and I felt like after that milestone you would never want to read this little blog of everything ever again! But yet when I force posts and reviews on you, you read them and you humour me and I feel like I can probably force you into reading this one too. I know you hate these kinds of cringey things, but I know you appreciate when things are heartfelt- so I figured I would be a huge melt this evening and write a little something.

We're friends through mutual, muddled, acrylic paint and coursework deadline filled circumstances. Through the eye rolling over that annoying girl at school, through dropping every lame excuse in the book for late homework. A random person who had unknowingly sat on the edge of the others social spheres, who turned out be so frighteningly like each other that we still spook each other to this day,

When I met you I was a very very different person and you were too- we made questionable fashion and lifestyle choices, we consumed at least 4 times our daily calorie intake on a weekly basis, and once we got talking people found it very difficult to shut us up. (As they still very often do today.)

Since then there's been a billion coffee dates, Snapchats, Facebook messages. One prom, so many envied profile pictures, a few drunken nights of hilarity and one New Years that neither of us ever want recreated. There's been obscure conversations until early hours of the morning, frantic phone calls, and crisis after crisis.

There was a crazy Halloween, and flapper dresses- that cheeky almost foursome that we stayed well clear of.

There's been friends who turned out not be such great friends, and boys who turned out to be just as stupid as we thought. There have been eventful mornings where the pink shirt makes an appearance- and there was also that time all the lads wore suits. (Class. An absolute class day.)

There was that time we went to Wagamamas and had to walk to the station in the pouring rain with Ollie, who was only wearing a jumper, and laughed ourselves stupid. ( I never will remember what we found so hilarious.)

That time we breathed the same air as Cal, Ash, Mikey and Luke, and we screamed until our throats hurt, and we walked down Camden in search of a Starbucks FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR BECAUSE WE ARE THE DEFINITION OF WHITE GIRLS.

There was that time you were hungover, and we sat on the kitchen floor and I made you toast- we talked about the people we love (and hate) and about stresses and confusion and about how we actually felt about a moron, and I ignored the bitter things in my head and we laughed about silly things and then got back under our duvets because it was 5 am and we were out of it.

There was that time at Ollie's house when everyone ended up attacking each other with wet dishcloths and we had to tidy before his parents got home. We were breathless and hysterical and we had to watch a weird movie with wet t shirts whilst Ollie muttered the entire script.

That time with Kathleen in muffin break when we went for a random coffee.

That really cute lad in the year below, and how much we giggle to be annoying.

There was one session of messages about feeling guilty because the only remotely negative thing we had ever felt towards each other was jealousy. I will never forget that conversation because no one had ever told me something like that before, and I had never said something like that before either.

There's been dates and crushes and morons at school. Teachers that could only be the devils spawn and a few essay related panic attacks. There's been much needed catch ups involving impromptu trips to my house those times when you forgot your keys and we sat and stalked social networks, listened to old songs and went through endless OTP's on Tumblr.

There has of course been youtubers, a day watching Pretty Woman in duvets with all the unhelathy food I could find at Sainsbury's (one of my favourite days). There's been Brighton, and Nandos, and Nero's on a weekly basis- and I think I'm safe to say I have laughed more in your presence than any other human I know.

You have stuck with me, even though I am probably a hugely demanding person- even though I'm clingy and dramatic, and kind of mad. I think it's because secretly you're nuts too and when we're happy and nuts we seem to bounce off each other. Maybe it's because we only have like 4 people we like and 1/4 of them are each other, maybe because we hate the same people- maybe because we can Snapchat serenade each other without fear of humiliation or screenshots.

Whatever we've managed to do since we've known each other we seem to have ended up together trying to work out the utter madness of our very teenage lives, so thank you. Thank you for all the above and more, because I probably couldn't put down the amount of things you've helped me through, laughed with me about, cried a little over, eaten too much of...

So I guess thank you for everything Chummy

x

The Power of Trashy Books and Television.

We all have those day's, those weeks- those times that we just need to stop thinking for a little while.

Reality shows like Keeping up with the Kardashian's, Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, are all shows we switch on as a nation to zone the hell out of our own lives. Reality shows are escapism for some people, the way that other people read books, draw or write- it's all the same thing, so don't judge people for how they escape, we all need to do our own thing.



Trashy TV shows have endless quotes or jokes that you'll use in your daily life.

Kim Kardashian's crying face is an international phenomenon.

And I am not entirely ashamed to say that I have fallen into the appalling habit of calling my friends "doll", which my mother also tends to use when she feels that I'm being too sassy for her liking.

As much as it's unhealthy to live in a world entirely dominated by those beautifully made up reality show celebrities, it can also be a good release.

Now we have to remember:
We are not the overly paid, spoilt, and entertaining stars we see on TV. They are not real and to be honest we can't act like them- because, well, it's just not socially acceptable. Enjoy it but do not be consumed by it- words to live by regarding anything you like.

Back To School Must Haves.

It's that time of year again guys, our triumphant return to school. (Eeeek)

This summer, for me at least, has gone so quickly. It was a summer of relaxing and recuperating, and now that I feel a little more human, I also feel a little more prepared for the next school year. I've had time to sort out my life a little before I get thrown back into my final year- and lord knows it's gonna be busy.

Now I may be a total girly girl and you might judge me, but one of the ways I feel on top of things in life is to look put together. If all else fails and I feel like I'm losing control of things, having great eyebrows or killer lipstick, or on POINT shoes- I feel like I have a little more together in my life. If things are falling apart a little in life and you are totally overwhelmed with it all, a good place to start is eyebrows, I promise.

So, here for you all is a list of my essentials for the new school year- so you can at least start the year feeling put together and fabulous.

1. Facewash

This gentle little dream right here is the Garnier Skin Naturals Pure Active Fruit Energy Daily Energising Gel Scrub. (the name is hella long I know)

This little tube of orange cuteness is a wonderfully gentle gel I use on a daily basis for my morning skin routine. I like to use a gentle wash in the morning and a stronger exfoliator before I go to bed the night before. My skin is quite sensitive when it comes to washes so this one is perfect for a something to make your skin feel a little tighter and smell really quite lovely!



2.  Garnier Ultimate Blends, The Marvellous Glow Oil

If you hair is feeling a little limp, or a little dry- maybe from heat damage, that holiday sun or a little ombre, then this is fabulous stuff.

After I ombred my hair at the start of the summer I really wanted to take care of it properly, because after my first ombre my hair really needed some serious TLC. A little of this stuff really goes a long way for me, and I try to use it as much as I can during the week- but you really don't need to use it every day depending on how damaged your hair is.

There have been a lot of these products brought out over the summer time and they seem to be super popular at the moment. I decided to give this one a go, because as an honorary Broke Girl I like to keep my hair and makeup essentials to a fairly tight budget- this little beauty is only £9.99 at Boots, which compared to other brands bringing out essentially the same product, was pretty good in my mind!

The oil takes a little time to disappear in your hair so I tend to put it on, pin my hair back and do my makeup while my hair absorbs it. By the time I'm dressed and makeup is done my hair is usually good to go, I run my fingers through it (I have no time to spend hours on my hair when I go back to school) and go!
Damage control that smells lovely!

3. Johnson's Face Care Makeup Be Gone Moisturising Wipes 

Makeup wipes are a hand bag essential for school.
I have no idea why schools are so weirdly over heated when we get back into school, but between rushing to classes and being squeezed into non-air conditioned classrooms- eye makeup tends to run, or if you are brave enough to attempt eyeliner on the dodgy bus ride to school, then these are a MUST.

I don't do anything special when it comes to makeup removers usually and tend to get the cheapest and most basic no-perfume packs of wipes from my local Superdrug or Boots store, and it works just fine.

Recently I decided to treat myself a little and buy some Johnson's Face Care Makeup Be Gone Moisturising Wipes. There's not a lot to say about them other than they are super gentle on my skin with a nice subtle smell I love post-shower and pre-bedtime. They  remove makeup so much quicker than the cheapest makeup wipe brands and I just love them!

Johnson's have and entire range of makeup wipes for all different kinds of skin types, ranging from dry skin to oily skin. If you want to give your face a treat and switch up your skin care routine, these are perfect for the job.

4. Gum

For school, be that girl who always have gum- but protect it with your life.
Either embrace the fact you will ALWAYS be asked for a piece by EVERYONE, or get really good at being sneaky about your gum.

My personal favourite is the classic Rigley's Extra packs, they are perfect for being on the go, pre-date freshen up, post lucnh freshen up rituals, and go a long way!

A back to school essential.


5. Rimmel London Colour Rush Balm

Now this is my ABSOLUTE august favourite item.

Being someone who struggles with having fairly large surface area when it comes to my lips, I struggle to find "quick fix" products for my lips when it comes to colours. But this has saved me in my daily make-up routine!

The balm is like a big crayon that you just draw up on your lips, and is really really quick to apply and fix up if you make a mistake. This one really is a quick fix! The product has a bunch of different shades for a pinkish every day tinge or a brighter and bolder lip too- and the thing that's great about it is that because its a balm you can layer it. If you start with one sweep of it you definitely get a first base of colour, but you can build it up however you may need for whatever look you're going for.

The balm is perfect for really long lasting colour after one application, but I recommend topping it up half way through the day to keep it all together. The colour that I personally use is called 'Not and Illusion', a bright peachy pink colour perfect for brightening up my everyday look with a little colour.

The item is about £5.99 at Boots, and it's available at all Rimmel London supplies- currently the product seems to be on offer just about everywhere and I recommend you grab it when you can!


So there we have it my lovelies, my personal favourites for going back to school this year!
Good luck munchkins, it's going to be great.

A Little Relationship Advice.

It took me while to decide whether I wanted to post anything even remotely related to relationships and love and boys and crush's all that sexy stuff.

For a long time I felt like topics like this have a tendency to get really preachy and cringey, people get wrapped up telling their relationship stories and won't top going on about how good their techniques in relationships are. In a lot of ways I didn't want to be judged for writing about that kind of personal stuff, and the topic is kind of taboo because it's almost "too girly".

But to be honest, I want to discuss relationships and boys and crush's, because I don't feel like this kind of stuff does get discussed much. Relationships are a learning curve, no one can tell you exactly how to do it- but now and then a little advice can really help you sort through the madness.
So here we are lovelies, a little advice I have accumulated in my short time on this little blue planet.

1. Your head and your heart will tell you different things, know when to listen to each of them. Often people get to carried away too quickly in relationships. Falling too hard and too fast for someone is a very risky business because you don't know if that person is always going to be there to catch you. As much as taking things fast is a rush, if you're not falling for someone reliable- chances are you could hit the ground pretty hard.
Top falling analogies for you.
(I am not going to apologise even a tiny little bit for the Austin and Vanessa photos.)

2. Keep your wits about you.
Sometimes you think you're falling for someone perfect, and they're cute and funny and sweet and make you feel special- but it's sad, and it hurts to hear it, but sometimes people are not all they seem. That cute boy from history could be texting you all these sweet things, but if he avoids your looks in school, and won't talk to you in front of his friends or other girls- consider who else experienced the same late night conversations. Not everyone in this world is nice my lovelies, it's cynical but it's a good lesson to bear in mind.
At the same time don't be super paranoid about boys, they're not all bad as much as the boys in your town may be utterly crappy. There's always going to be a gem somewhere in there- have a little faith.

3. "I love you" is like virginity, you only get one first time so make it count.
I personally have a very hard time with the whole saying "I love you" thing. Some people say it more easily than others, just with me I feel once you say you have to mean it and commit to it- so it's not a phrase I tend to throw around when it comes to boys.
With the phrase there is no set time frame around which you need to say it- if you feel it, and you think the person your with feels the same, tell them. You can be in a relationship for a year and not feel love, and be with someone else and feel love in just a month- it sounds crazy but it does happen.
As much as that is true, don't mistake intense affection for love. Affection can eb and flow depending on where you are in your life and the person you're with. If you've spent an afternoon in bed with your significant other (god that's a great phrase) and you've spent the time cuddled all close and making out and giggling then DUH you're going to feel really affectionate towards them. That warm fuzzy glow is going to be there because you're happy and comfortable and calm- so you could tell them you love them when in fact you love the situation you're in. (Just give it some thought)
Of course you can tell someone right then if you're sure that feeling isn't going to fade after they head home, but if it's 3am after a crisis and they're stressed and you're stressed and the world is cold and crappy, and you still have that same warm fuzzy glow- honey, it's more than likely love. So tell them.

4. Boys are basic. Especially teenage ones.
I hate to tell you lovelies, but it's true. Teenage boys have 3 great loves: food, sex and then one other thing depending on their style. For hipsters: food, sex, instagram. Jocks: food, sex, football/ basketball/ rugby. The skate boys: food, sex, boards and vans. The list continues. So put the necessary love in the gap:
Boys love food, sex and ..................

It doesn't matter how nice or innocent or sweet your guy is, he will want sex- fact. It's hard-wired into our genetics to want it, as humans it is actually a basic need. This is not a bad need in moderation (ooh cheeky) but is something as girls dealing with boys, that we need to accept and be able to deal with. Usually this is fairly simple: yes or no questions, and if the guy is an utter fucking tool, a kick to the genitals for good measure. (not saying all boys, don't hate me I'm generalizing to put forward a point worth considering as a young female).

Boys love food. Teenage boys burn a billion more calories than they should, due to metabolism they have been gifted with during puberty. They love to eat purely because they can.
Do with that information what you will, but my Nana always did say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

5. Forgive and forget.
People make mistakes, you will mess up too. If they're truly sorry and want to make amends, let them show you. Also, sometimes you need to forgive people not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to be at peace.
That is all.

6. Cut lose those who bring you down
Toxic relationships will damage you more than you now, limit the damage and keep yourself healthy and happy. People forget your happiness is part of your health, cut lose people who are unhealthy to be around for whatever reason.

7. Call them out on the bullshit
They should do the same for you.

8. Your friends are almost always right
Your best friends will know you best, they know what is good for you 9 times out of 10. Occasionally they will get it wrong, but really think about what your friends are saying if they hate the person you're with- just think about it kids.

9. Manipulation- bad. Keep your cards on the table and I promise you will enjoy it so much more.
Lying, cheating, half truths bullshit- no stop. You don't do it, they don't do it and I promise you will be happy. Be open, talk, discuss, argue a little (not too much).

10. If it's not lifting you up and is a constant panic in your world it's not working.
A relationship with someone is meant to be adding something to your life not taking anything away. Although relationships are about compromise and collaboration, they should not drain you completely. It's a little give and take but if you're doing all the giving, and hurting because someone else is using up all of you- it's not worth it. It is not working if your setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, that's just fact.

(If they make you feel like this...)

(And deal with your crazy... then he's a keeper.)

And there we have it my little angels, my list of 10 things that I've found make navigating all this boys and relationships malarkey a little easier. If you disagree or want to add anything or ask any questions let me know in the comments I'd love to hear from y'all- but thee we are!

I hope some of this helps a little with managing life, have a lovely day darlings xxx

Good friends.

Good friends are like good jeans, or bras, or luggage. Those are things you need as standard in your life. If you have these fundamental things I promise you that life will be easier, because your core components are of good quality and will last you a very long time.

In your life you are going to meet a lot of people, and as the years go on, you and the people around you are going to change. You are going to meet people who change you too, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. You're going to meet a boy that you would turn your world upside down for, you're going to sit next to a girl who bites her nails and you are going to have to resist the habit yourself (and probably fail too, don't feel bad the best of us fall to the nail biting).

There will be people who get you into boybands, or heavy metal, or Instagram. Crazy health kids who put you on a mad diet, a wise grandparent who changes your life with a humbug and a story from the days of black and white photos- the people that you surround yourself with will shape you and the way you are.

Therefore, in my 17 years experience of this big wide world, you need to surround yourself with wonderful people. People who make you do this:

And this:

Or this:

And make you act like this:

What I'm saying is, you need to surround yourself with good people. "Good" I am aware is a relative term, so let me just expand on what I mean. You need to surround yourself with people who are going to be good to you, treat you with respect. People who respect you will care about your opinion, but equally aren't going to sugar coat it when you are wrong. You need to have people in your life who are going to call you out on your BS, and keep you grounded if you get a little bit too floaty. But equally you cannot surround yourself with people who constantly bring you down- people who will support you and care for you and push you higher are essential for your individual happiness and well being.

I am incredibly blessed to have an incredibly supportive mother and wonderful group of friends who play this role in my life. Without this network of support and laughs and tea drinking maniacs, my life would not even be half as entertaining, ad I would not have consumed half as much coffee as I do with them.

Now, people are all flawed. Just because someone is a wonderful person does not mean that they will not make mistakes. You can do dumb shit without being a dumb shit, you feel? If you have a good friend who screws up with you, give it time- but forgive them. If a person is not there for you one time when you needed them I know it's difficult, I know it hurts and I know that you feel like they are no longer a good person for you. But if they're trying and showing you that they are there, and are sorry and make it up to you- and if that person would move the moon and sun to make sure you're okay again, then kid's it's important you forgive them. People mess up, we're human- the human condition dictates that we make huge mistakes, but we grow and we learn from them. Good friends will mes up, but if they are truly good friends to you, you need to forgive and forget.

I'm not saying that all people deserve to be forgiven. If you have a best friend who sleeps with your boyfriend and kills your hamster and dates your dad- damn son, you can push the slag out of your life. Toxic people lead to toxic relationships, making your life harder and more difficult- but good friends will improve your life, and make it happier. You have to be able to see the difference between people who are there for you and people who say they are, that's the true distinction between good friends and acquaintances who once showed an interest. 

If you are having a hard time you need to be aware that if you have a good network of friends, they will always try and help you. Don't keep it all bottled up because that will hurt you, and pushing them away will hurt your relationships too. Talk to your friends, over coffee, at your house, at their house, on the phone, scream it across a field, send a message by pigeon post- whatever you want, but make sure you communicate because good friends will always make you feel better.

Go out with your friends, make room for their mad interests as well as your own. Go to that comic book convention with your crazy guy friends, let them talk physics at you. Shop with your wanna-be Made in Chelsea crazed girls, talk Monet with the arty ones, try those cookies they make, listen to that song even if it's uber depressing and awful- you'll learn something along the way.

When it comes down to it, whatever you want your friends to be to you, you need to be to them. If you want someone supportive, crazy and kind, a good listener and a fast talking gossip buddy- you need to be all of those things. If you want consistent and strong and grounding, be that for them.

Good friends, like good bras, good jeans and good luggage will carry you throughout your life, making the struggles and journey along the way more manageable. They will be reliable, they will make it through the hard times with you, and they wont leave you when the pressure is too high, or the wash is too hot. But you have to take care of them too. Never underestimate the importance of good friends.

The Importance of an Inspiration: My Mum

Everyone has people they look up to for different reasons. There are the greats: Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Mohammad Ali- and the recently passed Nelson Mandela. Figures of greatness and strength, people who gave others hope, a voice. People like that gave people their whole lives, created a place where people could really live and not just be alive. Victoria's Secret models are, in the minds of many young girls, the pinnacle of beauty and fitness- so are an inspiration to them. Politicians inspire thousands of people in life to strive to make a change in the world, like Obama. Some people are inspired by successful people, celebrities, fashion designers, the rich, the famous- But (and wait for the cringe) my mum has to be one of the most inspirational people in my life. 

Recently a wonderful lady who I knew died fighting cancer.Cancer is an awful thing to happen to any family, and the effects of it are honestly devastating. She had 3 kids. All 3 were left without either parent to try and put together their lives, while there was a hole in their hearts where she should have been. I cannot even begin to imagine how much strength it takes for those three to carry on in their lives with neither parent to guide them, and the loss of their mother staying with them. It really made me think about how much my mum means to me and does for me in my life. The woman is irreplaceable. 

So, this post is dedicated to my Mumma.
What a cringe, what a mummy's girl- I know what you're thinking, how cliche, of course she loves her mum. Yes of course my mum, but like every other person in the world I forget about her and take her for granted. I forget that just because she's a mum she does not have everything together. She does not necessarily know what to do, she will make mistakes, she gets mad, she can lose it sometimes. The fact that you love your mum does not make up for taking her for granted, being rude or disrespectful. I can understand for people who have a rocky relationship with their parents how frustrating people like me must be... but honestly in most cases, our mother tried their hardest to make everything good for us. Generally they want the best for us, they want us to succeed, be happy in our lives. So assuming they know you love them too is not a good thing. Mother's invest so much into their kids, whether it is wanted or not. Think about everything your mum does for you... all of us are at least a little spoilt by our Mumma's.

Now don't get me wrong, there are times I want to yell and scream and fight with her about something, because the woman can nag, and she can be a little harsh with her judgement  or I wont like the tone she's taking with me, or she'll stress me out too much over things- we are not perfect people. We're as bad as each other when it comes to our tempers, but we love each other ridiculous amounts as well. Affection and love is something I was lucky enough to always have plenty of as a child, almost too much. My mum tried to shield me from a lot of things in life, keep us all safe and happy- I always knew I was loved.

That's why I can never really fight with the woman, because one of us will be wrong- and because we love each other the one who is wrong will admit it, we work on it and we move on. She will never hold a grudge, she just let's go and we learn and move forward. Even if I made a terrible mistake and screwed things up she'll sit through it with me, ask me what I learned from it and we move forward.

Her patience with me is second to none, she knows when to let me have my space and work things out but she also knows when to talk to me. She knows when she needs to push me, if I'm slacking- because she expects me to try my best. My mum is a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman, and I appreciate her immensely because without her I don't know what I would do. She inspires me to work hard, because that's how she got where she is today. She inspires me to be patient and loving with everyone. She taught me how to be strong and to stand up for myself, and that the only person I should rely to get me places is myself. 

She is a wonderful beautiful woman and I really couldn't do without her, so she deserves a little help around the house. She needs a few things done when she gets home from work. Family time is important to her and I should try to be enthusiastic about it. I should let her embarrass me sometimes- it keeps her young. Because I couldn't be without her, she is honestly a true inspiration to me with whatever direction I take in my life.

Love you Mumma. 

Body Confidence.

Last year was the first time in my life that I felt like I was fat.

I don't just mean "awwr man I'm looking a little on the doughy side"- I mean I felt FAT. Don't get me wrong, every single teenager in the world is, at one time or another, unhappy or conscious about the way they look,and of course it's totally normal. I had always been a body confident child. I was never too fat, and I was definitely never skinny. I had always been able to eat whatever I wanted and wear whatever I wanted because I was just average weight. I had my growth spurt and a few bad skin days, but overall puberty wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me. I am very lucky to have grown up in a very positive family set up when it comes to body image. I never felt the need to be stick thin or stop eating, a problem many teenagers today face. I was always told I was beautiful by my parents, and I have always had lovely friends who said similarly. But there was a time that most of my social anxiety and just my anxiety in general stemmed from the fat I couldn't bear to think about my weight. When I was about 14 I stopped growing, but continued with my childish diet and love for high calorie food. By the time I turned 15 I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I felt like no clothes looked flattering on me, the way I carried my weight was all thighs and muffin top stomach- I stopped going to social events because I was genuinely afraid of Facebook photos. I wrote in my diary: "I feel like everyone's looking so lovely and happy and cute, and then there's me- the fat friend. I don't want to go out anymore, because there's going to be photos on Facebook and I just don't want people to see me like this." I felt ugly and disproportionate and unhappy with how I looked. I had 0 body confidence, I didn't speak to boys and thought that I would be a down grade for any guy I had a crush on (which when you're a teenage girl, is a lot of crushes). I only realized how unhappy I was when my mum tried putting up holiday photos of our family trip to Greece and I literally broke down in tears scared people were going to see me in a bikini. That was my turning point. Sitting in the middle of my living room floor crying to my mum because I couldn't bear the thought of anyone seeing those photos.

This time last year I was a 5"5 size 12 teenage girl. I wore a lot of makeup and spent a half hour on my hair every day, because I felt like a prettier face and cute hair would distract from my weight, and tried to only take photos from the waist up because I hated my legs so much. I don't think there has been a period of time since that I have felt that awful about the way I looked. I was ashamed of my body.
Today I'm 5"7 and size 8, I try to go days without a  laborious makeup routine in the morning. I've still got little chubby rolls on my tummy, my thighs just wont get smaller, and my arms are in no way Michelle Obama toned- but I love my body. I'm happy.

My whole attitude to my body changed after that summer I cried over my weight. I went a week barely eating and then cried because I couldn't give up food. I felt like a failure because I couldn't even starve myself. I considered bollemia but the thought of being sick literally makes me want to faint.

But I didn't need to. I didn't go on a crazy diet, I did not pull a "I Used To Be Fat" exerciser routine and burn off anything I put into my mouth. I didn't need to.

I still eat whatever the hell I want- just in moderation. I snack less, eating half of whatever I want and then waiting 5 minutes before I decide I need to eat the rest. I do yoga in my room with a tutorial in front of my on Youtube twice a week, and I use an app for 7 minutes of exercise on my phone most days. That is literally my routine. If i'm honest, I haven't really lost masses of weight. Going from a size 12 to 8 is bloody hard let me tell you, but I part of my new found happiness is my appreciation of my body.

A year ago I would struggle to tell you 3 good things about my body. I would have said: shiny hair, full lips, nice cheekbones. That would be all the positives. But I would also tell you an entire list of negatives: weird nose, too small eyelashes, fat thighs, saggy bum, rolly stomach, chubby cheeks, flabby arms, chunky calfs... I could go on. I was honestly the most miserable I have ever felt about my body.

This year I would tell you I still have shiny hair, full lips and decent cheek bones. But I would feel a little cheeky but confident telling you I don't have a saggy bum- it's quite cute, my thighs are more toned, and slowly slowly my tummy is getting a little flatter. I'm not perfect, I'm not "hot" or Victoria's Secret worthy by any stretch of the imagination- but I know that I'm not ugly. There are perks to me that I didn't realise before. I feel pretty this year, I feel so happy when people tell me I look good, it makes my ENTIRE DAY. It makes achy arms and a pressured tummy feel worth it. 

The best compliments have been from my crazy but wonderful friends and boyfriend who just say when they think I look cute or hot or just nice at all, and I don't think they realise how much that means to me. They are wonderful beautiful supportive people. One of the best compliments I've had since I started feeling 100% more body confident was this: my best friend managed to hand out with one of the 2 hottest guys at our school (Full on Abercrombie meets Greek God type lad. Gorgeous.) and she asked him what he thought of me. He said I was hot you guys. "Hot" FOLLOWED BY a guy in my chemistry class telling another friend he thought I was the ideal size for a girl to be.

These people don't know that I know what they said, and they might not ever know I know what they said. But one thing they will never be able to comprehend  is how happy comments like that make me. How much they make me feel pretty and happy and love my body. When people start noticing you start realising how much impact losing a little weight makes to your life, and even if it's not much and you weren't even fat- the change something like this makes to your mood is unbelievable.

And you know what? I will be confident and sometimes I do think that I look cute or pretty in a dress and I will say that because fuck it I deserve it and I DO LOOK NICE. I'm still working on me, but I'm happy and right now I DO like my body and I DON'T care what anyone else has to say. There's a struggle and sometimes of course you feel low, and you feel like it's not worth it, or you're not worth it, or that you're ugly or you're still chubby and you're failing- but you are beautiful. You need to change your mind set to change your life and make a difference, positivity and optimism is the way to look at it. STOP picking out the bad points and focus on the good. Some of the sexiest women in history are curvy women- I'M STILL CURVY and I don't want to change that. Marilyn Monroe was and is still considered one of the sexiest women in history. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? You don't need to be skinny to be happy, but if losing a little will make you feel sexy and pretty and wonderful DO IT. 

AND DON'T YOU DARE CHANGE YOURSELF TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. THE CHANGE IS FOR YOU AND IT SHOULD BE WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY FUCK WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS. My God, the importance of loving yourself these days is completely underrated. 

It's amazing what you can achieve when you stop crying and start smiling.